All I'm asking is for you to be considerate and kind, can you do that for me?

Well it's been awhile since I've been here and quite honestly, I just had no idea what to write. I didn't want to fill a post with useless thoughts, sporadically placed down the page, and all of you wondering where the heck I was going with it. I think today I have a clearer sense of what to write about so we'll see.

So, if any of you are from New Jersey, you know that most of the state was hit with a massive ice storm last night and here I am at work. I was going to call out, but I don't want to keep using up my vacation days - lets save them for the nicer weather. I have a beautiful view from outside my office window so that brings me some peace as I try and make it through the rest of the day. This is what I think about every morning when I wake up at 7:30am - how I'm going to make it through the day. Complaining about my issues here is not going to solve it, I know what I have to do in order to fix it, I just have to be patient and wait - be thankful that unlike most college graduates, I have a job.

I've been working on the Soul Restoration projects for the past 3 weeks now, and this week is number 4. Many of the women who are taking the course have had all of these awesome breakthroughs and I honestly can't help but feel like something is wrong with me. I haven't had a breakthrough and to be quite honest, I don't feel that much different. I just want to be happy, I don't want to be upset, I don't want to get upset at the little things, I want to figure out what I want for myself and for my life. Part of this class is listening to your TruthTeller, which could be anything. It's the quiet voice inside you that helps you make your life's decisions. I'm trying so hard to hear her, which is weird because I typically hear and try to listen to her all the time. There is one thing that I can't determine: if I'm thinking it up and trying to believe it, or if she's really telling me the truth about the situation and I'm just avoiding it. I feel like I am avoiding it but to what cost?

I don't want this to seem as though my life is miserable and that I'm miserable all the time, because I'm not. Most of the time I love everything about my life, but recently I find myself keeping quiet, afraid to let anyone hear me or stir anything up. I've never been like this, afraid to speak up and make myself heard. I think this may be due to the issues I have with my job that are definitely affecting my relationship and the rest of my life. I'm honestly tired. That's what I am, just tired. I'm feel like I've become a housewife to some extent and I'm not even married! I don't mind cleaning, because I am a totally neat/germ freak. I like the feeling of a clean apartment with everything neat and orderly, so I don't mind doing that for an hour on the weekend. It's the rest of it. It's making dinner all the time, dinner that I don't even eat that night but have to make it anyway and then cleaning the dishes and food shopping and laundry on top of that. So why don't I speak up? Because it's easier to do it myself. Why don't I just say no? Because I feel bad, but then when it's made and not eaten because someone else gave food, it makes me upset. Seriously, don't ask me to do something if your not going to follow through.

I need to learn to say NO. I need to learn to just not do something if I really don't want to do it. I need to learn to not let things upset me. I need to remember that while I'm in a relationship, I am still single me (single in the means of I don't HAVE to do the things the other person is capable of himself). If I don't want to make dinner one night, then why do I feel obligated to when I'm the one who's doing everything anyway? I need to be brave and strong.

If any of you have made it through this post till now, please take some of my advice and really think about it. Be considerate, be kind, think about the other person and how they feel. It's so hard when it's just one person doing that and when you're the kind and considerate person, you get tired. It makes me feel like this is all I'll ever be to that person and then after this, what's left? Someone that doesn't look like the person you wanted to be with, she did everything so there's really nothing to complain about, they're just looking for something different. I think this is my fear. My fear that I'm doing all of this but then the other person will just get bored and want something new, leaving me in the dust. I'm already left in the dust when it comes to certain things, and with that - that is when I fell worthless and not good enough. I need to stop letting that affect me, regardless of whether it's true or not, they are someone else's opinions of me.

Living with the person I love has taught me a lot in the month we've been living together. How I feel about it is that there will ALWAYS be the one person who cares more, who loves more, who's kinder, who's sympathetic and it hurts when it's not reciprocated. I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't want to be this person who is walked all over. I don't want to be this person that has had expectations put on them. I need to be the person who does things for me, while still thinking of the other person. I need to be the person who cares more about me and my soul and who I am. I am tired of being the person that is just expected to do something. I love surprises, I love to feel loved and I love when the person I love is considerate towards me. And now I think I've figured out what my TruthTeller has been trying to get me to listen to all along. I need to find what I am looking for and be brave enough to move away if need be.

I hope you all will ponder my advice, granted I'm not a psychologist nor someone you may even know, but I am person with feelings just like you and this is my story, my wishes, my thoughts and some of you may have similar ones. This is what I'm going to do, this is where I want to go and if you want to come along for the ride, fine, but clean your own damn dishes.