What the written word means to me

I've always been a fan of handwriting instead of typing. Even throughout college, I always wrote my papers on lined paper before I started to type them (and trust me, I had A LOT of papers to write). I feel as though the words and thoughts I'm trying to convey to either myself or an audience come more clearly by seeing the words appear from my fingertips. I love seeing my thoughts flow across the paper from my hand. It's as though my heart and soul are asking my brain to talk to my hand and the only thing needed to complete the process is a pen and ink - a simple object that can bring thoughts to life. An object we tend to take for granted, but if a pen didn't exist then how would we be able to translate our thoughts (other then speaking)?

Whenever I have something important or emotional to say, I always write everything I'm going to say down first. Now, most of the time they're incomplete sentences because I write how I think, sometimes bullet points and sometimes I'll write a letter to the person I'm addressing and read that. Words on paper have a whole different meaning then speaking. When I read something that was created personally for me, I see that as being for forever. They're there, in front of me, tangible, I can read and re-read and even when the paper starts to wear from holding it and reading it so many times, I always feel something pulling at my heart.

People say that once a word is spoken, you can never really take it back, you can try to forget it, but if it has left a mark, you will remember everything about when and how that word (or sentence) is spoken. The same goes for the written word, once a word is written, it can be erased and deleted, sure, but the imprint is still there, the thought behind the written word, questions as to what made this word show itself will always linger.

As I was handwriting this post, an idea popped into my head and I realized why I was so afraid of being honest with myself in my journal. My journal, which should be a safe place to fill my thoughts and for only my eyes to see, is filled with partial truths. When things get hard or I'm ashamed of my thoughts and feelings, instead of writing them down and looking at them, I find myself avoiding my journal. I want to write everything down, but by writing them out, it's out there, it's no longer kept inside. I can go back and reread what I felt and feel ashamed or disappointed in myself all over again. I can share and think about all of my fears, thoughts, disappointments, accomplishments, within myself, but writing them down? Well that just makes them real.

I do struggle with admitting and coming to terms with some of the things in my life, and because I can't admit them to myself, I can't admit them to anyone. I'm trying to change that, but it's so hard to be honest with yourself sometimes.

quick update...

It certainly has been a while since my last post and I think that's because I have had no idea what to write. I've logged on from time to time hoping that something would come to me that would be worthwhile writing, but nope. My greatest hurdle to over come right now is basically what to do with my future. I'm studying for the LSAT (since my brilliant idea 3 months ago was to go to law school) but as I think about how I could possibly make it work out, it becomes so overwhelming. I know I should have gone right after I graduated from undergrad but with my family falling apart and financial constraints, I couldn't see a clear enough path that would provide me the confidence to move forward. Even right now, the path is so overgrown and rocky, it's intimidating.

I've spoken to a couple of different people hoping someone would give me some advice, but I think what I've been looking for is for someone to tell me what to do. After all, when we can't make up our minds, we look to someone else to make the decision for us, that way, if we fail miserably, it's not completely our fault - but no one can make this decision for me. Luckily my course instructor for the test prep gave me some sound advice: "study hard, take the exam, see how you do, and move from there". Pretty good advice, now why couldn't I come up with that? There's no hurt in applying and if I get in and defer a year, okay...but at least I can say I have options.

My one worry is getting in to the law school of my dreams (or at least close to it...I don't think Harvard is a possibility), and then what? I have responsibilities: rent, car insurance, a full time job, bf.... We would have to give up the apartment, and being in law school full time (part-time is not an option, I've already tried to work that one out) only allows a part time job of 15 hours/week (nerve racking!). I've spoken to the bf about it and while he says we'll work it out, I believe oh, 20% of that.

Another option is working towards my teaching certification. If I can't go to law school, I would really like to teach high school English, but that's an even rougher position to get into. Especially with all the cut backs and economic downfall, are school districts really going to give a job to someone who's working towards the Alternate Route? I think not.

So this is just a quick update, I will try to write a little more in depth and interesting at some point this week.