It's definitely been a rough couple of days between Chris and me. I feel as though we've become so distant even when we're sitting right next to one another. I look at his face and I can see that there's something there that he's not saying and it's killing me. I feel like we're trying so hard to put whatever happened this weekend behind us and it's obvious. He's not the same as he used to be, his body language and the way he talks to me is just different. I don't know if he's bouncing off of me but it's getting to be so hard. I wish he would just be honest, I feel like it's always me doing the talking and he doesn't say anything. I miss him. We were sitting on the couch and I looked at him and thought "God, I miss him, what happened?". I don't know what's going on and it's making me so worried. I don't know what to do, it's just not the same.
I know that when you love some one you have to take the good with the bad and if something happens that you don't agree with, you have to figure out if you can put it aside. I'm trying so hard to do that. I have problems with his occupation and I'm trying to work through them, but I've become so insecure because of it. I don't know when I started doubting myself and putting myself down but I know it's been within the past year and a half. He keeps telling me to be me, but I feel like if I am, that it won't be good enough, or toned enough or smart, happy enough. I am so afraid that I'll loose him and it's hard seeing him at work and watching him with his female clients. I just don't know how long I can keep working through this.
He's always so proud of his clients and going to that fitness show a couple weeks ago just made it so much more difficult. He kept saying over and over how proud he was of her and I've never gotten that. I'm his girlfriend and can't remember him ever saying he was proud of me. He left my college graduation early to go to a rec. softball game. I know I need to get over it, but with all of this going on, I can't get it out of my head. That was such a huge milestone and he left, he walked out. All the horse shows I did last year, he came to two of them. It make me so upset when I think about this and then he tells me the he "loves me and that I'm being ridiculous" but am I? I just don't know where to go or what to do from here...
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
What the written word means to me
I've always been a fan of handwriting instead of typing. Even throughout college, I always wrote my papers on lined paper before I started to type them (and trust me, I had A LOT of papers to write). I feel as though the words and thoughts I'm trying to convey to either myself or an audience come more clearly by seeing the words appear from my fingertips. I love seeing my thoughts flow across the paper from my hand. It's as though my heart and soul are asking my brain to talk to my hand and the only thing needed to complete the process is a pen and ink - a simple object that can bring thoughts to life. An object we tend to take for granted, but if a pen didn't exist then how would we be able to translate our thoughts (other then speaking)?
Whenever I have something important or emotional to say, I always write everything I'm going to say down first. Now, most of the time they're incomplete sentences because I write how I think, sometimes bullet points and sometimes I'll write a letter to the person I'm addressing and read that. Words on paper have a whole different meaning then speaking. When I read something that was created personally for me, I see that as being for forever. They're there, in front of me, tangible, I can read and re-read and even when the paper starts to wear from holding it and reading it so many times, I always feel something pulling at my heart.
People say that once a word is spoken, you can never really take it back, you can try to forget it, but if it has left a mark, you will remember everything about when and how that word (or sentence) is spoken. The same goes for the written word, once a word is written, it can be erased and deleted, sure, but the imprint is still there, the thought behind the written word, questions as to what made this word show itself will always linger.
As I was handwriting this post, an idea popped into my head and I realized why I was so afraid of being honest with myself in my journal. My journal, which should be a safe place to fill my thoughts and for only my eyes to see, is filled with partial truths. When things get hard or I'm ashamed of my thoughts and feelings, instead of writing them down and looking at them, I find myself avoiding my journal. I want to write everything down, but by writing them out, it's out there, it's no longer kept inside. I can go back and reread what I felt and feel ashamed or disappointed in myself all over again. I can share and think about all of my fears, thoughts, disappointments, accomplishments, within myself, but writing them down? Well that just makes them real.
I do struggle with admitting and coming to terms with some of the things in my life, and because I can't admit them to myself, I can't admit them to anyone. I'm trying to change that, but it's so hard to be honest with yourself sometimes.
Whenever I have something important or emotional to say, I always write everything I'm going to say down first. Now, most of the time they're incomplete sentences because I write how I think, sometimes bullet points and sometimes I'll write a letter to the person I'm addressing and read that. Words on paper have a whole different meaning then speaking. When I read something that was created personally for me, I see that as being for forever. They're there, in front of me, tangible, I can read and re-read and even when the paper starts to wear from holding it and reading it so many times, I always feel something pulling at my heart.
People say that once a word is spoken, you can never really take it back, you can try to forget it, but if it has left a mark, you will remember everything about when and how that word (or sentence) is spoken. The same goes for the written word, once a word is written, it can be erased and deleted, sure, but the imprint is still there, the thought behind the written word, questions as to what made this word show itself will always linger.
As I was handwriting this post, an idea popped into my head and I realized why I was so afraid of being honest with myself in my journal. My journal, which should be a safe place to fill my thoughts and for only my eyes to see, is filled with partial truths. When things get hard or I'm ashamed of my thoughts and feelings, instead of writing them down and looking at them, I find myself avoiding my journal. I want to write everything down, but by writing them out, it's out there, it's no longer kept inside. I can go back and reread what I felt and feel ashamed or disappointed in myself all over again. I can share and think about all of my fears, thoughts, disappointments, accomplishments, within myself, but writing them down? Well that just makes them real.
I do struggle with admitting and coming to terms with some of the things in my life, and because I can't admit them to myself, I can't admit them to anyone. I'm trying to change that, but it's so hard to be honest with yourself sometimes.
Monday, May 23, 2011
quick update...
It certainly has been a while since my last post and I think that's because I have had no idea what to write. I've logged on from time to time hoping that something would come to me that would be worthwhile writing, but nope. My greatest hurdle to over come right now is basically what to do with my future. I'm studying for the LSAT (since my brilliant idea 3 months ago was to go to law school) but as I think about how I could possibly make it work out, it becomes so overwhelming. I know I should have gone right after I graduated from undergrad but with my family falling apart and financial constraints, I couldn't see a clear enough path that would provide me the confidence to move forward. Even right now, the path is so overgrown and rocky, it's intimidating.
I've spoken to a couple of different people hoping someone would give me some advice, but I think what I've been looking for is for someone to tell me what to do. After all, when we can't make up our minds, we look to someone else to make the decision for us, that way, if we fail miserably, it's not completely our fault - but no one can make this decision for me. Luckily my course instructor for the test prep gave me some sound advice: "study hard, take the exam, see how you do, and move from there". Pretty good advice, now why couldn't I come up with that? There's no hurt in applying and if I get in and defer a year, okay...but at least I can say I have options.
My one worry is getting in to the law school of my dreams (or at least close to it...I don't think Harvard is a possibility), and then what? I have responsibilities: rent, car insurance, a full time job, bf.... We would have to give up the apartment, and being in law school full time (part-time is not an option, I've already tried to work that one out) only allows a part time job of 15 hours/week (nerve racking!). I've spoken to the bf about it and while he says we'll work it out, I believe oh, 20% of that.
Another option is working towards my teaching certification. If I can't go to law school, I would really like to teach high school English, but that's an even rougher position to get into. Especially with all the cut backs and economic downfall, are school districts really going to give a job to someone who's working towards the Alternate Route? I think not.
So this is just a quick update, I will try to write a little more in depth and interesting at some point this week.
I've spoken to a couple of different people hoping someone would give me some advice, but I think what I've been looking for is for someone to tell me what to do. After all, when we can't make up our minds, we look to someone else to make the decision for us, that way, if we fail miserably, it's not completely our fault - but no one can make this decision for me. Luckily my course instructor for the test prep gave me some sound advice: "study hard, take the exam, see how you do, and move from there". Pretty good advice, now why couldn't I come up with that? There's no hurt in applying and if I get in and defer a year, okay...but at least I can say I have options.
My one worry is getting in to the law school of my dreams (or at least close to it...I don't think Harvard is a possibility), and then what? I have responsibilities: rent, car insurance, a full time job, bf.... We would have to give up the apartment, and being in law school full time (part-time is not an option, I've already tried to work that one out) only allows a part time job of 15 hours/week (nerve racking!). I've spoken to the bf about it and while he says we'll work it out, I believe oh, 20% of that.
Another option is working towards my teaching certification. If I can't go to law school, I would really like to teach high school English, but that's an even rougher position to get into. Especially with all the cut backs and economic downfall, are school districts really going to give a job to someone who's working towards the Alternate Route? I think not.
So this is just a quick update, I will try to write a little more in depth and interesting at some point this week.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Frustration and Life
So going off my last post, the more I sit here, the more frustrated I become. I don't know when this all started happening but I have noticed it a lot more over the past few months. I am frustrated with my current job situation, frustrated with my relationship and frustrated that I'm still sick and it's making me feel like this. I know you shouldn't compare yourself or your situations to someone else's, but sometimes I just can't help it. They don't even have to be people I know, just people I see and I'm instantly comparing myself to what I think their relationship is like from seeing them to mine. There have been a lot of things, especially over the past few days, where I wonder if it's all worth it. Everything has changed so much and they have been changes that I didn't expect to happen. Changes with how I feel and how I view things. I have no idea what I am doing or going with my life and that's fine, I just wish the rest of my life was on somewhat solid ground.
I feel as though in my relationship, we've totally lost the connection. It's to the point now where I think about how I'm going to be disappointed next as opposed to when I'm going to be happy next. Things are acknowledged but never talked about again and there is never a difference afterwards. We never go out anymore, it's just time spent watching tv and frankly I'm getting pretty bored with that and with the relationship. Relationships for me have always made things better, they've always been something that makes me look forward to what's to come next. I always start to get like this when I'm having doubts, and I am. There's nothing for me to hold on to, it was all so different and exciting before and now I feel like he's just settling and I'm not that kind of a person. I'm just getting frustrated because I see now that my therapist was right and then when my mother states her opinion, it freaks me out because...she is ALWAYS right in the end...and if she is, then it will make me very sad. My mother suggested that I sit down with him and tell him what was going on and my thoughts about our relationship. So I went home and wrote down everything I wanted to say and get off my chest and we did have a talk, I just wasn't able to talk about everything I needed to. So how do I start again? How do I bring it up and tell him everything that's bothering me more so than what we talked about the other night.
My second frustration is basically what I summed up in my last post. Law School. And the decision to go or not. I really have no idea what I want to do with my life. I think I really want to teach either high school or college, so then why am I pushing myself to go to law school? Frankly because I think law school will be way more interesting than grad school - but that's just my opinion. Luckily, I can apply to most grad schools with my LSAT scores, so let's hope I do well. I just definitely know I don't want to be doing what I'm doing for the next 10 years.
I just wish things would work out the way they're supposed to. I know that everything happens for a reason, but I really want to be in my relationship and I really want to go back to school I just don't know if I can deal with all the problems in the relationship nor do I know which kind of degree I want to get. I'm just so incredibly frustrated. :(
I feel as though in my relationship, we've totally lost the connection. It's to the point now where I think about how I'm going to be disappointed next as opposed to when I'm going to be happy next. Things are acknowledged but never talked about again and there is never a difference afterwards. We never go out anymore, it's just time spent watching tv and frankly I'm getting pretty bored with that and with the relationship. Relationships for me have always made things better, they've always been something that makes me look forward to what's to come next. I always start to get like this when I'm having doubts, and I am. There's nothing for me to hold on to, it was all so different and exciting before and now I feel like he's just settling and I'm not that kind of a person. I'm just getting frustrated because I see now that my therapist was right and then when my mother states her opinion, it freaks me out because...she is ALWAYS right in the end...and if she is, then it will make me very sad. My mother suggested that I sit down with him and tell him what was going on and my thoughts about our relationship. So I went home and wrote down everything I wanted to say and get off my chest and we did have a talk, I just wasn't able to talk about everything I needed to. So how do I start again? How do I bring it up and tell him everything that's bothering me more so than what we talked about the other night.
My second frustration is basically what I summed up in my last post. Law School. And the decision to go or not. I really have no idea what I want to do with my life. I think I really want to teach either high school or college, so then why am I pushing myself to go to law school? Frankly because I think law school will be way more interesting than grad school - but that's just my opinion. Luckily, I can apply to most grad schools with my LSAT scores, so let's hope I do well. I just definitely know I don't want to be doing what I'm doing for the next 10 years.
I just wish things would work out the way they're supposed to. I know that everything happens for a reason, but I really want to be in my relationship and I really want to go back to school I just don't know if I can deal with all the problems in the relationship nor do I know which kind of degree I want to get. I'm just so incredibly frustrated. :(
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Decisions, Life Decisions
Making them, facing them, creating them, they're never fun and I'm a pro at avoiding them - until they sneak up on me. I over think ALL THE TIME, I over analyze and I try to think of all the possibilities and then I get myself in trouble. You see when I over think, and over analyze, my imagination likes to make the best of it, it's almost like a brain buster and it just enjoys fabricating things in my brain. Now, I'm not saying that my imagination is a bad thing, it's proven to be very useful and I enjoy endulging in something creative often - just not when I need my brain to focus on the task at hand. Often times when I start to think of something, I get carried away. It's all fine and dandy until I'm convincing myself that something happened or that someone did this or that, and this was their motive and they don't really care (no I'm not just talking about someone is particular).
Well luckily the decision I'm trying to make isn't doing that this time, it's not letting my imagination get the best of me. It's because this decision is serious, it's not something that can be messed around with. I have to make a decision and stick with it, once I commit, I have to give everything to it since it will affect the rest of my life.
My initial decision to attend law school gave me options. It's providing me with opportunities that I wouldn't have otherwise, but as I'm studying for the LSAT's and going to the LSAT class twice a week, I sit here and think, is this what I really want? I honestly don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm an English major, I love to read and write and ride horses....so where is this going to take me? Well so far it's taken me into the real world and handed me a title that says "assistant" somewhere. I know I do not want to do this for the rest of my life and it's nothing against the people I work with or the place itself, it's just not for me. I need challenges and stimuli, I need responsibilites and deadlines. I enjoy working on things down to the wire, I love reading to find the meaning behind the meaning, but can that support me through life? Chances are...no.
So law school, I still like the idea and have always been interested in law, but what I'm worried about now is working full time and attending school part time. I hate the fact that I'm restricted on where I apply (there are only two school in this state that offer law school part time) and that I'm stuck here. I do love it here, I think if I ever left I'd always wind up coming back, but just the fact that I HAVE to stay here is driving me crazy. There's also the work load, I'm really nervous about attending class four nights a week after work and commuting to wherever I'm accepted. But my only other option is full time and how are the bills going to be paid? Also, I really don't like the idea of graduating with a whole boat load of student loans, talk about stress. Do any of you readers have suggestions? Have you been in similiar shoes? I'd appreciate any comments.
Well luckily the decision I'm trying to make isn't doing that this time, it's not letting my imagination get the best of me. It's because this decision is serious, it's not something that can be messed around with. I have to make a decision and stick with it, once I commit, I have to give everything to it since it will affect the rest of my life.
My initial decision to attend law school gave me options. It's providing me with opportunities that I wouldn't have otherwise, but as I'm studying for the LSAT's and going to the LSAT class twice a week, I sit here and think, is this what I really want? I honestly don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm an English major, I love to read and write and ride horses....so where is this going to take me? Well so far it's taken me into the real world and handed me a title that says "assistant" somewhere. I know I do not want to do this for the rest of my life and it's nothing against the people I work with or the place itself, it's just not for me. I need challenges and stimuli, I need responsibilites and deadlines. I enjoy working on things down to the wire, I love reading to find the meaning behind the meaning, but can that support me through life? Chances are...no.
So law school, I still like the idea and have always been interested in law, but what I'm worried about now is working full time and attending school part time. I hate the fact that I'm restricted on where I apply (there are only two school in this state that offer law school part time) and that I'm stuck here. I do love it here, I think if I ever left I'd always wind up coming back, but just the fact that I HAVE to stay here is driving me crazy. There's also the work load, I'm really nervous about attending class four nights a week after work and commuting to wherever I'm accepted. But my only other option is full time and how are the bills going to be paid? Also, I really don't like the idea of graduating with a whole boat load of student loans, talk about stress. Do any of you readers have suggestions? Have you been in similiar shoes? I'd appreciate any comments.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Danger: The Gym
The post below is something that is very personal to me. I have been debating as I've been writing this whether or not to post it but it's written, so here it is.
I've never been self-conscious about my body or how I look until recently. I don't want to blame anyone for my feeling this way, it is my fault and it's in my head and I've created this insecurity on my own. I let what other people say affect me and it's turning into something more than what I bargained for. Dating and living with a personal trainer has definitely caused these insecurities to surface, of course they have to be there in the first place, but they've been appearing more and more.
People talk about their jobs, it's something that consumes most of our week but when the person you're closest to has a job that involves the human body, it opens a whole new jar. It's the little comments that while many women may find offensive, I try to keep reminding myself that it's his job, he looks and alters bodies for a living - but I'm now beginning to see how much it's been affecting me. I'm exhausted, I did a leg work out last night and about half way through my first set, I was shaking, shaking to the point where I was getting close to the feeling of passing out...but I kept going and finished 45 minutes later. I called my mom and she advised me to take a day off and most people may feel guilty for a few seconds and then get over it but I've been feeling guilty since I spoke with her last night. She's right, I do need a break, but I have that little voice that keeps telling me to keep going, that taking a day off will do so much damage. Most people have to force themselves to get up and go to the gym, I'm at the point where I need to force myself to not go to the gym.
Living with a personal trainer constantly has me wondering if I look okay, does he still want to be with me even if I'm not as fit as a few of his clients that are my age? It honestly makes me feel like I'm just not as fit or as thin as his clients, who out of about 10 clients - 2 are men. One of them in particular he talks about a lot since she's doing a fitness show and they do at least 3-4 work out sessions a week and a couple posing sessions. As humans, we are so quick to compare ourselves and judge others appearances (some of us try not to, but we slip up) so try having one of your boyfriend's clients be your age and all he can talk about is how great she looks. Or, my favorite, when he points out the areas that I carry "water weight" in, mostly my stomach and upper arms, in case you were wondering.
So out of all this, I am obsessed with going to the gym and the worst part is that I go at least 4-5 days a week and feel as though I haven't seen any improvements. I feel disgusting sometimes. If I eat a piece of bread or have a slice of pizza I feel so fat. I'm obsessed with my body image and it's totally freaking me out. I've NEVER been like this before and I think it's escalated since I moved in with my personal-trainer-boyfriend. I'm not to the point where I'm going to starve myself, but I constantly hate myself if I eat something that's not completely healthy.
The sadest thing is that when I met him (he asked me out after my last training session with him) if I was 20 pounds heavier, we wouldn't be together because his initial attraction his physical and if I was overweight, he'd just be nice to me. I think knowing that, I have this underlying fear that if I were to gain any weight to the point that he notices that he would just walk away. And I know I should just tell myself that if that happens then it wasn't meant to be, and I do believe that, it just upsets me that could be the reason why he would leave.
I want to say that he hasn't ever commented on my weight, it's more of telling me that "I really should go to the gym" or "this is why you don't see results" (as I'm about to eat a Pillsbury baked biscuit) or just in constantly talking about how dedicated his clients are and talking about other female members at the gym and how their bodies is changing. I have become obsessed with going to the gym and it's to the point now where I feel as though if I don't go and I just go home and relax one day, that I'm not working hard enough, or dedicated enough like his clients. People constantly tell me how the can see how much he loves, but when someone's job revolves around checking out other people's bodies (especially females), I just never feel like my physical appearance is good enough.
I hate feeling like this, I hate being obsessed with going to the gym and feeling as though if I take one day off that I loose everything and look like a whale.
I think I'm going to force myself to not go to the gym today. I have to.
I've never been self-conscious about my body or how I look until recently. I don't want to blame anyone for my feeling this way, it is my fault and it's in my head and I've created this insecurity on my own. I let what other people say affect me and it's turning into something more than what I bargained for. Dating and living with a personal trainer has definitely caused these insecurities to surface, of course they have to be there in the first place, but they've been appearing more and more.
People talk about their jobs, it's something that consumes most of our week but when the person you're closest to has a job that involves the human body, it opens a whole new jar. It's the little comments that while many women may find offensive, I try to keep reminding myself that it's his job, he looks and alters bodies for a living - but I'm now beginning to see how much it's been affecting me. I'm exhausted, I did a leg work out last night and about half way through my first set, I was shaking, shaking to the point where I was getting close to the feeling of passing out...but I kept going and finished 45 minutes later. I called my mom and she advised me to take a day off and most people may feel guilty for a few seconds and then get over it but I've been feeling guilty since I spoke with her last night. She's right, I do need a break, but I have that little voice that keeps telling me to keep going, that taking a day off will do so much damage. Most people have to force themselves to get up and go to the gym, I'm at the point where I need to force myself to not go to the gym.
Living with a personal trainer constantly has me wondering if I look okay, does he still want to be with me even if I'm not as fit as a few of his clients that are my age? It honestly makes me feel like I'm just not as fit or as thin as his clients, who out of about 10 clients - 2 are men. One of them in particular he talks about a lot since she's doing a fitness show and they do at least 3-4 work out sessions a week and a couple posing sessions. As humans, we are so quick to compare ourselves and judge others appearances (some of us try not to, but we slip up) so try having one of your boyfriend's clients be your age and all he can talk about is how great she looks. Or, my favorite, when he points out the areas that I carry "water weight" in, mostly my stomach and upper arms, in case you were wondering.
So out of all this, I am obsessed with going to the gym and the worst part is that I go at least 4-5 days a week and feel as though I haven't seen any improvements. I feel disgusting sometimes. If I eat a piece of bread or have a slice of pizza I feel so fat. I'm obsessed with my body image and it's totally freaking me out. I've NEVER been like this before and I think it's escalated since I moved in with my personal-trainer-boyfriend. I'm not to the point where I'm going to starve myself, but I constantly hate myself if I eat something that's not completely healthy.
The sadest thing is that when I met him (he asked me out after my last training session with him) if I was 20 pounds heavier, we wouldn't be together because his initial attraction his physical and if I was overweight, he'd just be nice to me. I think knowing that, I have this underlying fear that if I were to gain any weight to the point that he notices that he would just walk away. And I know I should just tell myself that if that happens then it wasn't meant to be, and I do believe that, it just upsets me that could be the reason why he would leave.
I want to say that he hasn't ever commented on my weight, it's more of telling me that "I really should go to the gym" or "this is why you don't see results" (as I'm about to eat a Pillsbury baked biscuit) or just in constantly talking about how dedicated his clients are and talking about other female members at the gym and how their bodies is changing. I have become obsessed with going to the gym and it's to the point now where I feel as though if I don't go and I just go home and relax one day, that I'm not working hard enough, or dedicated enough like his clients. People constantly tell me how the can see how much he loves, but when someone's job revolves around checking out other people's bodies (especially females), I just never feel like my physical appearance is good enough.
I hate feeling like this, I hate being obsessed with going to the gym and feeling as though if I take one day off that I loose everything and look like a whale.
I think I'm going to force myself to not go to the gym today. I have to.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Happy Valentine's Day (or Single Awareness Day)!
So today's Valentine's Day and while Chris and I have decided not to "celebrate" it, he still surprised me with a beautiful present. Even everyone in the office is in a good mood, I think that regardless of what people view Valentine's day as, I can't help but notice that majority of everyone is in a good mood. I feel the love everywhere! Granted I also have my absolutely amazing boyfriend to come home to today (usually he's at work).
And on that note, I want to take this second to apologize to him and to myself. I've been a mess, depressed, upset, angry and I take it all out on him and he doesn't deserve it. He always tries to make me feel better and I just get even more angry with him. I know I'm doing it but I don't know how to let it go. The hardest part is that I see how much it hurts him and he just doesn't know what to do. He's an incredible person and I wish that I could just be as happy with everything in my life as I am with him. I hate feeling like this and I hate the way I make him feel. Recently I've just been very insecure with myself and I know it has a lot to do with the way I view myself - inward and outward and I don't know how to fix it.
I have this great guy and awesome apartment, I have a full time job and yet I'm still unhappy. I have figured out that it's everything going on in my life - Chris doesn't have anything to do with my unhappiness and he still stays with me through my craziness. I need to find that happiness in everything, I think the sun and warm weather giving us a glimpse of Spring is helping. I need to stop letting little things bother me and remember how awesome the few things in my life are. I need to have faith and believe that things will work out, that everything will be okay and I won't feel like this forever.
I am a happy person, I am in love and I just need to remember all of this - and keep reminding myself every single day. Take deep breaths and have faith.
And on that note, I want to take this second to apologize to him and to myself. I've been a mess, depressed, upset, angry and I take it all out on him and he doesn't deserve it. He always tries to make me feel better and I just get even more angry with him. I know I'm doing it but I don't know how to let it go. The hardest part is that I see how much it hurts him and he just doesn't know what to do. He's an incredible person and I wish that I could just be as happy with everything in my life as I am with him. I hate feeling like this and I hate the way I make him feel. Recently I've just been very insecure with myself and I know it has a lot to do with the way I view myself - inward and outward and I don't know how to fix it.
I have this great guy and awesome apartment, I have a full time job and yet I'm still unhappy. I have figured out that it's everything going on in my life - Chris doesn't have anything to do with my unhappiness and he still stays with me through my craziness. I need to find that happiness in everything, I think the sun and warm weather giving us a glimpse of Spring is helping. I need to stop letting little things bother me and remember how awesome the few things in my life are. I need to have faith and believe that things will work out, that everything will be okay and I won't feel like this forever.
I am a happy person, I am in love and I just need to remember all of this - and keep reminding myself every single day. Take deep breaths and have faith.
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