I've always been a fan of handwriting instead of typing. Even throughout college, I always wrote my papers on lined paper before I started to type them (and trust me, I had A LOT of papers to write). I feel as though the words and thoughts I'm trying to convey to either myself or an audience come more clearly by seeing the words appear from my fingertips. I love seeing my thoughts flow across the paper from my hand. It's as though my heart and soul are asking my brain to talk to my hand and the only thing needed to complete the process is a pen and ink - a simple object that can bring thoughts to life. An object we tend to take for granted, but if a pen didn't exist then how would we be able to translate our thoughts (other then speaking)?
Whenever I have something important or emotional to say, I always write everything I'm going to say down first. Now, most of the time they're incomplete sentences because I write how I think, sometimes bullet points and sometimes I'll write a letter to the person I'm addressing and read that. Words on paper have a whole different meaning then speaking. When I read something that was created personally for me, I see that as being for forever. They're there, in front of me, tangible, I can read and re-read and even when the paper starts to wear from holding it and reading it so many times, I always feel something pulling at my heart.
People say that once a word is spoken, you can never really take it back, you can try to forget it, but if it has left a mark, you will remember everything about when and how that word (or sentence) is spoken. The same goes for the written word, once a word is written, it can be erased and deleted, sure, but the imprint is still there, the thought behind the written word, questions as to what made this word show itself will always linger.
As I was handwriting this post, an idea popped into my head and I realized why I was so afraid of being honest with myself in my journal. My journal, which should be a safe place to fill my thoughts and for only my eyes to see, is filled with partial truths. When things get hard or I'm ashamed of my thoughts and feelings, instead of writing them down and looking at them, I find myself avoiding my journal. I want to write everything down, but by writing them out, it's out there, it's no longer kept inside. I can go back and reread what I felt and feel ashamed or disappointed in myself all over again. I can share and think about all of my fears, thoughts, disappointments, accomplishments, within myself, but writing them down? Well that just makes them real.
I do struggle with admitting and coming to terms with some of the things in my life, and because I can't admit them to myself, I can't admit them to anyone. I'm trying to change that, but it's so hard to be honest with yourself sometimes.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
quick update...
It certainly has been a while since my last post and I think that's because I have had no idea what to write. I've logged on from time to time hoping that something would come to me that would be worthwhile writing, but nope. My greatest hurdle to over come right now is basically what to do with my future. I'm studying for the LSAT (since my brilliant idea 3 months ago was to go to law school) but as I think about how I could possibly make it work out, it becomes so overwhelming. I know I should have gone right after I graduated from undergrad but with my family falling apart and financial constraints, I couldn't see a clear enough path that would provide me the confidence to move forward. Even right now, the path is so overgrown and rocky, it's intimidating.
I've spoken to a couple of different people hoping someone would give me some advice, but I think what I've been looking for is for someone to tell me what to do. After all, when we can't make up our minds, we look to someone else to make the decision for us, that way, if we fail miserably, it's not completely our fault - but no one can make this decision for me. Luckily my course instructor for the test prep gave me some sound advice: "study hard, take the exam, see how you do, and move from there". Pretty good advice, now why couldn't I come up with that? There's no hurt in applying and if I get in and defer a year, okay...but at least I can say I have options.
My one worry is getting in to the law school of my dreams (or at least close to it...I don't think Harvard is a possibility), and then what? I have responsibilities: rent, car insurance, a full time job, bf.... We would have to give up the apartment, and being in law school full time (part-time is not an option, I've already tried to work that one out) only allows a part time job of 15 hours/week (nerve racking!). I've spoken to the bf about it and while he says we'll work it out, I believe oh, 20% of that.
Another option is working towards my teaching certification. If I can't go to law school, I would really like to teach high school English, but that's an even rougher position to get into. Especially with all the cut backs and economic downfall, are school districts really going to give a job to someone who's working towards the Alternate Route? I think not.
So this is just a quick update, I will try to write a little more in depth and interesting at some point this week.
I've spoken to a couple of different people hoping someone would give me some advice, but I think what I've been looking for is for someone to tell me what to do. After all, when we can't make up our minds, we look to someone else to make the decision for us, that way, if we fail miserably, it's not completely our fault - but no one can make this decision for me. Luckily my course instructor for the test prep gave me some sound advice: "study hard, take the exam, see how you do, and move from there". Pretty good advice, now why couldn't I come up with that? There's no hurt in applying and if I get in and defer a year, okay...but at least I can say I have options.
My one worry is getting in to the law school of my dreams (or at least close to it...I don't think Harvard is a possibility), and then what? I have responsibilities: rent, car insurance, a full time job, bf.... We would have to give up the apartment, and being in law school full time (part-time is not an option, I've already tried to work that one out) only allows a part time job of 15 hours/week (nerve racking!). I've spoken to the bf about it and while he says we'll work it out, I believe oh, 20% of that.
Another option is working towards my teaching certification. If I can't go to law school, I would really like to teach high school English, but that's an even rougher position to get into. Especially with all the cut backs and economic downfall, are school districts really going to give a job to someone who's working towards the Alternate Route? I think not.
So this is just a quick update, I will try to write a little more in depth and interesting at some point this week.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Decisions, Life Decisions
Making them, facing them, creating them, they're never fun and I'm a pro at avoiding them - until they sneak up on me. I over think ALL THE TIME, I over analyze and I try to think of all the possibilities and then I get myself in trouble. You see when I over think, and over analyze, my imagination likes to make the best of it, it's almost like a brain buster and it just enjoys fabricating things in my brain. Now, I'm not saying that my imagination is a bad thing, it's proven to be very useful and I enjoy endulging in something creative often - just not when I need my brain to focus on the task at hand. Often times when I start to think of something, I get carried away. It's all fine and dandy until I'm convincing myself that something happened or that someone did this or that, and this was their motive and they don't really care (no I'm not just talking about someone is particular).
Well luckily the decision I'm trying to make isn't doing that this time, it's not letting my imagination get the best of me. It's because this decision is serious, it's not something that can be messed around with. I have to make a decision and stick with it, once I commit, I have to give everything to it since it will affect the rest of my life.
My initial decision to attend law school gave me options. It's providing me with opportunities that I wouldn't have otherwise, but as I'm studying for the LSAT's and going to the LSAT class twice a week, I sit here and think, is this what I really want? I honestly don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm an English major, I love to read and write and ride horses....so where is this going to take me? Well so far it's taken me into the real world and handed me a title that says "assistant" somewhere. I know I do not want to do this for the rest of my life and it's nothing against the people I work with or the place itself, it's just not for me. I need challenges and stimuli, I need responsibilites and deadlines. I enjoy working on things down to the wire, I love reading to find the meaning behind the meaning, but can that support me through life? Chances are...no.
So law school, I still like the idea and have always been interested in law, but what I'm worried about now is working full time and attending school part time. I hate the fact that I'm restricted on where I apply (there are only two school in this state that offer law school part time) and that I'm stuck here. I do love it here, I think if I ever left I'd always wind up coming back, but just the fact that I HAVE to stay here is driving me crazy. There's also the work load, I'm really nervous about attending class four nights a week after work and commuting to wherever I'm accepted. But my only other option is full time and how are the bills going to be paid? Also, I really don't like the idea of graduating with a whole boat load of student loans, talk about stress. Do any of you readers have suggestions? Have you been in similiar shoes? I'd appreciate any comments.
Well luckily the decision I'm trying to make isn't doing that this time, it's not letting my imagination get the best of me. It's because this decision is serious, it's not something that can be messed around with. I have to make a decision and stick with it, once I commit, I have to give everything to it since it will affect the rest of my life.
My initial decision to attend law school gave me options. It's providing me with opportunities that I wouldn't have otherwise, but as I'm studying for the LSAT's and going to the LSAT class twice a week, I sit here and think, is this what I really want? I honestly don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm an English major, I love to read and write and ride horses....so where is this going to take me? Well so far it's taken me into the real world and handed me a title that says "assistant" somewhere. I know I do not want to do this for the rest of my life and it's nothing against the people I work with or the place itself, it's just not for me. I need challenges and stimuli, I need responsibilites and deadlines. I enjoy working on things down to the wire, I love reading to find the meaning behind the meaning, but can that support me through life? Chances are...no.
So law school, I still like the idea and have always been interested in law, but what I'm worried about now is working full time and attending school part time. I hate the fact that I'm restricted on where I apply (there are only two school in this state that offer law school part time) and that I'm stuck here. I do love it here, I think if I ever left I'd always wind up coming back, but just the fact that I HAVE to stay here is driving me crazy. There's also the work load, I'm really nervous about attending class four nights a week after work and commuting to wherever I'm accepted. But my only other option is full time and how are the bills going to be paid? Also, I really don't like the idea of graduating with a whole boat load of student loans, talk about stress. Do any of you readers have suggestions? Have you been in similiar shoes? I'd appreciate any comments.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Where does our inspiration come from?
With my old but rejuvenated interest in art recently, I've been thinking about this question a lot lately. I've always loved art - whether it's creating it, reading about it, looking at it, writing about it, there's just something about art that makes me feel alive. The SR course that I'm taking is all about that, seeing art in a different light, looking deep within yourself to find you and accepting yourself and those around you for who they are. Art is expression, it is peace, freedom, love, it's everything and it's everywhere.
So back to my question: Where does our inspiration come from? For me, it came from a complete stranger telling me to just keep going, to not give up when it seemed difficult and to find time for it - for myself. Her name is Melody Ross and she is the co-founder of the Brave Girls' Club and this amazing Soul Restoration course. Without realizing it, she has helped me in so many ways. Although I did not acknowledge this last night, as I look back I realize that I needed to feel as though my whole world just fell a part. I did, I fell into so many pieces that I'm still picking them back up. Chris and I were in an argument over something juvenile, but you know how it goes, one of us gets upset over something stupid the other one did and then that person's mad because the other person's mad and it's just a vicious cycle of being mad "until we get home". But that's neither here nor there because I ended up sliding on ice, winding up partially under Chris' car. I was so angry, furious at him for everything and as I sit here typing, I'm still mad at him. Anyway, I went right to the shower sat on the shower floor and cried. I haven't cried to the point of sobbing in a long time and maybe that's exactly what I needed.
I need to stop letting people's words affect how it makes me feel. I know they're not true, but I think I get upset because I feel as thought that's how they view me. And when I'm upset, all of my inspiration and braveness goes out the window. I need to make time for the art, I need to make time for me to be happy and slowly work on being happy every day. I love all of the art projects and I bought a few canvases that I'd like to try making something with, but I have to put in the time and I think once I do that, I will be a little bit happier each day.
That's just it though...time. Where does it go? From the time I leave the house in morning for work until I get home at 8:00pm after going right to the gym, I'm tired. I know I need to stop running myself all over the place, but I feel like I'll fall a part if I don't have a schedule...and then I feel so guilty when I don't go to the gym. Like sooooo incredibly guilty. And why is that? I have no idea, I think it's because I do have insecurities (and while I will not mention what they are here, I will just say that I have them) and dating a personal trainer does not make it any easier. Melody keeps telling us that we should not compare ourselves to anyone else, and I agree with her 100%. We are who we are and there's a reason why everyone is different...if everyone was the same then we'd all just get so bored of one another. Comparing ourselves to other people is human nature...and it sucks. I hate comparing myself to others and I know I'm doing it, but I still keep doing it. But it's not with everyone, it's only when I feel threatened or my relationship feels threatened (there I said it). I feel like a big part of it is that as humans, we find it so incredibly hard to trust - to trust other people but more specifically to trust ourselves. If we trusted what was in our heart, our soul, if we believed in ourselves, we wouldn't feel the need to compare ourselves to what others have or what they look like and we'd be able to trust other people more.
Believing in ourselves is one of the hardest things to do. When we believe in ourselves, we let go of the vulnerability, the insecurity, the hurt, the loneliness and sometimes we're dropped on our asses and handed more boundaries to overcome but each time we're dropped, it brings us closer to the end result, the realization, the path you're supposed to take. It's hard to see it when it happens, but when the hurt and confusion end, the path becomes a little less messy and the sun shines a little brighter. Just hang on and believe that you will feel uplifted and happy and at some point, you will stop comparing yourself to others. For me, this is what I'm working really hard on and is it working? We'll find out.
So back to my question: Where does our inspiration come from? For me, it came from a complete stranger telling me to just keep going, to not give up when it seemed difficult and to find time for it - for myself. Her name is Melody Ross and she is the co-founder of the Brave Girls' Club and this amazing Soul Restoration course. Without realizing it, she has helped me in so many ways. Although I did not acknowledge this last night, as I look back I realize that I needed to feel as though my whole world just fell a part. I did, I fell into so many pieces that I'm still picking them back up. Chris and I were in an argument over something juvenile, but you know how it goes, one of us gets upset over something stupid the other one did and then that person's mad because the other person's mad and it's just a vicious cycle of being mad "until we get home". But that's neither here nor there because I ended up sliding on ice, winding up partially under Chris' car. I was so angry, furious at him for everything and as I sit here typing, I'm still mad at him. Anyway, I went right to the shower sat on the shower floor and cried. I haven't cried to the point of sobbing in a long time and maybe that's exactly what I needed.
I need to stop letting people's words affect how it makes me feel. I know they're not true, but I think I get upset because I feel as thought that's how they view me. And when I'm upset, all of my inspiration and braveness goes out the window. I need to make time for the art, I need to make time for me to be happy and slowly work on being happy every day. I love all of the art projects and I bought a few canvases that I'd like to try making something with, but I have to put in the time and I think once I do that, I will be a little bit happier each day.
That's just it though...time. Where does it go? From the time I leave the house in morning for work until I get home at 8:00pm after going right to the gym, I'm tired. I know I need to stop running myself all over the place, but I feel like I'll fall a part if I don't have a schedule...and then I feel so guilty when I don't go to the gym. Like sooooo incredibly guilty. And why is that? I have no idea, I think it's because I do have insecurities (and while I will not mention what they are here, I will just say that I have them) and dating a personal trainer does not make it any easier. Melody keeps telling us that we should not compare ourselves to anyone else, and I agree with her 100%. We are who we are and there's a reason why everyone is different...if everyone was the same then we'd all just get so bored of one another. Comparing ourselves to other people is human nature...and it sucks. I hate comparing myself to others and I know I'm doing it, but I still keep doing it. But it's not with everyone, it's only when I feel threatened or my relationship feels threatened (there I said it). I feel like a big part of it is that as humans, we find it so incredibly hard to trust - to trust other people but more specifically to trust ourselves. If we trusted what was in our heart, our soul, if we believed in ourselves, we wouldn't feel the need to compare ourselves to what others have or what they look like and we'd be able to trust other people more.
Believing in ourselves is one of the hardest things to do. When we believe in ourselves, we let go of the vulnerability, the insecurity, the hurt, the loneliness and sometimes we're dropped on our asses and handed more boundaries to overcome but each time we're dropped, it brings us closer to the end result, the realization, the path you're supposed to take. It's hard to see it when it happens, but when the hurt and confusion end, the path becomes a little less messy and the sun shines a little brighter. Just hang on and believe that you will feel uplifted and happy and at some point, you will stop comparing yourself to others. For me, this is what I'm working really hard on and is it working? We'll find out.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
All I'm asking is for you to be considerate and kind, can you do that for me?
Well it's been awhile since I've been here and quite honestly, I just had no idea what to write. I didn't want to fill a post with useless thoughts, sporadically placed down the page, and all of you wondering where the heck I was going with it. I think today I have a clearer sense of what to write about so we'll see.
So, if any of you are from New Jersey, you know that most of the state was hit with a massive ice storm last night and here I am at work. I was going to call out, but I don't want to keep using up my vacation days - lets save them for the nicer weather. I have a beautiful view from outside my office window so that brings me some peace as I try and make it through the rest of the day. This is what I think about every morning when I wake up at 7:30am - how I'm going to make it through the day. Complaining about my issues here is not going to solve it, I know what I have to do in order to fix it, I just have to be patient and wait - be thankful that unlike most college graduates, I have a job.
I've been working on the Soul Restoration projects for the past 3 weeks now, and this week is number 4. Many of the women who are taking the course have had all of these awesome breakthroughs and I honestly can't help but feel like something is wrong with me. I haven't had a breakthrough and to be quite honest, I don't feel that much different. I just want to be happy, I don't want to be upset, I don't want to get upset at the little things, I want to figure out what I want for myself and for my life. Part of this class is listening to your TruthTeller, which could be anything. It's the quiet voice inside you that helps you make your life's decisions. I'm trying so hard to hear her, which is weird because I typically hear and try to listen to her all the time. There is one thing that I can't determine: if I'm thinking it up and trying to believe it, or if she's really telling me the truth about the situation and I'm just avoiding it. I feel like I am avoiding it but to what cost?
I don't want this to seem as though my life is miserable and that I'm miserable all the time, because I'm not. Most of the time I love everything about my life, but recently I find myself keeping quiet, afraid to let anyone hear me or stir anything up. I've never been like this, afraid to speak up and make myself heard. I think this may be due to the issues I have with my job that are definitely affecting my relationship and the rest of my life. I'm honestly tired. That's what I am, just tired. I'm feel like I've become a housewife to some extent and I'm not even married! I don't mind cleaning, because I am a totally neat/germ freak. I like the feeling of a clean apartment with everything neat and orderly, so I don't mind doing that for an hour on the weekend. It's the rest of it. It's making dinner all the time, dinner that I don't even eat that night but have to make it anyway and then cleaning the dishes and food shopping and laundry on top of that. So why don't I speak up? Because it's easier to do it myself. Why don't I just say no? Because I feel bad, but then when it's made and not eaten because someone else gave food, it makes me upset. Seriously, don't ask me to do something if your not going to follow through.
I need to learn to say NO. I need to learn to just not do something if I really don't want to do it. I need to learn to not let things upset me. I need to remember that while I'm in a relationship, I am still single me (single in the means of I don't HAVE to do the things the other person is capable of himself). If I don't want to make dinner one night, then why do I feel obligated to when I'm the one who's doing everything anyway? I need to be brave and strong.
If any of you have made it through this post till now, please take some of my advice and really think about it. Be considerate, be kind, think about the other person and how they feel. It's so hard when it's just one person doing that and when you're the kind and considerate person, you get tired. It makes me feel like this is all I'll ever be to that person and then after this, what's left? Someone that doesn't look like the person you wanted to be with, she did everything so there's really nothing to complain about, they're just looking for something different. I think this is my fear. My fear that I'm doing all of this but then the other person will just get bored and want something new, leaving me in the dust. I'm already left in the dust when it comes to certain things, and with that - that is when I fell worthless and not good enough. I need to stop letting that affect me, regardless of whether it's true or not, they are someone else's opinions of me.
Living with the person I love has taught me a lot in the month we've been living together. How I feel about it is that there will ALWAYS be the one person who cares more, who loves more, who's kinder, who's sympathetic and it hurts when it's not reciprocated. I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't want to be this person who is walked all over. I don't want to be this person that has had expectations put on them. I need to be the person who does things for me, while still thinking of the other person. I need to be the person who cares more about me and my soul and who I am. I am tired of being the person that is just expected to do something. I love surprises, I love to feel loved and I love when the person I love is considerate towards me. And now I think I've figured out what my TruthTeller has been trying to get me to listen to all along. I need to find what I am looking for and be brave enough to move away if need be.
I hope you all will ponder my advice, granted I'm not a psychologist nor someone you may even know, but I am person with feelings just like you and this is my story, my wishes, my thoughts and some of you may have similar ones. This is what I'm going to do, this is where I want to go and if you want to come along for the ride, fine, but clean your own damn dishes.
So, if any of you are from New Jersey, you know that most of the state was hit with a massive ice storm last night and here I am at work. I was going to call out, but I don't want to keep using up my vacation days - lets save them for the nicer weather. I have a beautiful view from outside my office window so that brings me some peace as I try and make it through the rest of the day. This is what I think about every morning when I wake up at 7:30am - how I'm going to make it through the day. Complaining about my issues here is not going to solve it, I know what I have to do in order to fix it, I just have to be patient and wait - be thankful that unlike most college graduates, I have a job.
I've been working on the Soul Restoration projects for the past 3 weeks now, and this week is number 4. Many of the women who are taking the course have had all of these awesome breakthroughs and I honestly can't help but feel like something is wrong with me. I haven't had a breakthrough and to be quite honest, I don't feel that much different. I just want to be happy, I don't want to be upset, I don't want to get upset at the little things, I want to figure out what I want for myself and for my life. Part of this class is listening to your TruthTeller, which could be anything. It's the quiet voice inside you that helps you make your life's decisions. I'm trying so hard to hear her, which is weird because I typically hear and try to listen to her all the time. There is one thing that I can't determine: if I'm thinking it up and trying to believe it, or if she's really telling me the truth about the situation and I'm just avoiding it. I feel like I am avoiding it but to what cost?
I don't want this to seem as though my life is miserable and that I'm miserable all the time, because I'm not. Most of the time I love everything about my life, but recently I find myself keeping quiet, afraid to let anyone hear me or stir anything up. I've never been like this, afraid to speak up and make myself heard. I think this may be due to the issues I have with my job that are definitely affecting my relationship and the rest of my life. I'm honestly tired. That's what I am, just tired. I'm feel like I've become a housewife to some extent and I'm not even married! I don't mind cleaning, because I am a totally neat/germ freak. I like the feeling of a clean apartment with everything neat and orderly, so I don't mind doing that for an hour on the weekend. It's the rest of it. It's making dinner all the time, dinner that I don't even eat that night but have to make it anyway and then cleaning the dishes and food shopping and laundry on top of that. So why don't I speak up? Because it's easier to do it myself. Why don't I just say no? Because I feel bad, but then when it's made and not eaten because someone else gave food, it makes me upset. Seriously, don't ask me to do something if your not going to follow through.
I need to learn to say NO. I need to learn to just not do something if I really don't want to do it. I need to learn to not let things upset me. I need to remember that while I'm in a relationship, I am still single me (single in the means of I don't HAVE to do the things the other person is capable of himself). If I don't want to make dinner one night, then why do I feel obligated to when I'm the one who's doing everything anyway? I need to be brave and strong.
If any of you have made it through this post till now, please take some of my advice and really think about it. Be considerate, be kind, think about the other person and how they feel. It's so hard when it's just one person doing that and when you're the kind and considerate person, you get tired. It makes me feel like this is all I'll ever be to that person and then after this, what's left? Someone that doesn't look like the person you wanted to be with, she did everything so there's really nothing to complain about, they're just looking for something different. I think this is my fear. My fear that I'm doing all of this but then the other person will just get bored and want something new, leaving me in the dust. I'm already left in the dust when it comes to certain things, and with that - that is when I fell worthless and not good enough. I need to stop letting that affect me, regardless of whether it's true or not, they are someone else's opinions of me.
Living with the person I love has taught me a lot in the month we've been living together. How I feel about it is that there will ALWAYS be the one person who cares more, who loves more, who's kinder, who's sympathetic and it hurts when it's not reciprocated. I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't want to be this person who is walked all over. I don't want to be this person that has had expectations put on them. I need to be the person who does things for me, while still thinking of the other person. I need to be the person who cares more about me and my soul and who I am. I am tired of being the person that is just expected to do something. I love surprises, I love to feel loved and I love when the person I love is considerate towards me. And now I think I've figured out what my TruthTeller has been trying to get me to listen to all along. I need to find what I am looking for and be brave enough to move away if need be.
I hope you all will ponder my advice, granted I'm not a psychologist nor someone you may even know, but I am person with feelings just like you and this is my story, my wishes, my thoughts and some of you may have similar ones. This is what I'm going to do, this is where I want to go and if you want to come along for the ride, fine, but clean your own damn dishes.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Don't mind the rambling...I have no idea where I was going with this.
Well, it's been about two weeks since my last post and to be honest, I had no idea what to write about. I feel as though I keep reiterating myself on some of these posts, but I think that's because I hit a low point and then after feeling crappy for a few days, I try and talk myself out of it. I'm trying REALLY hard to be happy, but sometimes it's exhausting. I mean, I'm doing it for myself as well as Chris, so there's the guilt of being unhappy that goes along with it. I know it's not fair to him for me to be a grouch all the time, but now that we're living together, it's harder to hide it.
So being that it was his birthday today, I'm genuinely happy. Happy times always make me happy, how could they not? Now to make this day even better: I'd rather not be at work and instead celebrate my favorite person's birthday :).
On another note, I started this online class called "Soul Restoration" through the Brave Girls Club. It's...AWESOME, INCREDIBLE, and will hopefully be LIFE CHANGING. I've had some pretty tiresome days, days where I'm just psychologically exhausted, days where my views are extremely pessimistic and I'm hoping that this class will change all of that. This class is about expressing ourselves and trying to be truthful to ourselves and our souls. We're revisiting our past and a lot of the women who are taking this class are finding it difficult. Honestly, it's extremely difficult to look back on the past. The past is the past, it's been forgotten about, buried deep within ourselves, and that's mostly the problem. We've spent so much time burying our emotions and our memories, whether they were good memories or not, that we haven't learned to forgive - haven't learned to accept what happened and moved on. I'm finding for myself, that finding my "truthteller" the being that knows exactly who I am, has seen the decisions and the mistakes I've made has been the most difficult part. As I posted this question in the class forum, a few of the women who responded where very insightful and helped me understand what it is I may be looking for. I think that what I'm looking for is to just be happy with myself but for some reason I'm afraid of that. I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, yet I still look for something wrong, then I fabricate it in my mind and then I get upset and can't look at him. Well, it wasn't his fault, I did it, I made something up in my head and convinced myself that I should be upset...just ridiculous.
Well, this is kind of an abrupt way to end this post, but I lost my train of thought and instead of rambling, I'll just end it and start a new one when I think of something clever to write.
So being that it was his birthday today, I'm genuinely happy. Happy times always make me happy, how could they not? Now to make this day even better: I'd rather not be at work and instead celebrate my favorite person's birthday :).
On another note, I started this online class called "Soul Restoration" through the Brave Girls Club. It's...AWESOME, INCREDIBLE, and will hopefully be LIFE CHANGING. I've had some pretty tiresome days, days where I'm just psychologically exhausted, days where my views are extremely pessimistic and I'm hoping that this class will change all of that. This class is about expressing ourselves and trying to be truthful to ourselves and our souls. We're revisiting our past and a lot of the women who are taking this class are finding it difficult. Honestly, it's extremely difficult to look back on the past. The past is the past, it's been forgotten about, buried deep within ourselves, and that's mostly the problem. We've spent so much time burying our emotions and our memories, whether they were good memories or not, that we haven't learned to forgive - haven't learned to accept what happened and moved on. I'm finding for myself, that finding my "truthteller" the being that knows exactly who I am, has seen the decisions and the mistakes I've made has been the most difficult part. As I posted this question in the class forum, a few of the women who responded where very insightful and helped me understand what it is I may be looking for. I think that what I'm looking for is to just be happy with myself but for some reason I'm afraid of that. I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, yet I still look for something wrong, then I fabricate it in my mind and then I get upset and can't look at him. Well, it wasn't his fault, I did it, I made something up in my head and convinced myself that I should be upset...just ridiculous.
Well, this is kind of an abrupt way to end this post, but I lost my train of thought and instead of rambling, I'll just end it and start a new one when I think of something clever to write.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”
I'm sure many of you have had days where they start out like a perfectly normal day. Feeling great, content with everything and then some time throughout the day, that feeling just turns a 180 on you...well, that was my day yesterday. Ironically, I believe my post from yesterday or possibly the day before, had a completely different tone...I'm not biopolar, just moody I guess. But as my perfectly normal day began, it ended much differently and I woke up this morning hanging onto a little piece of yesterday. But, being a part of a very prestigious University, things happen, things that we do not understand and these things stay with me.
Being a recent college graduate myself, my job is a perfect fit. My position involves interaction with graduate students who are under very demanding timelines and many of them are trying to make the world a better place. They are all absolutely wonderful people and our conversations consist of everyday things and I love being a part of that. Unfortunately, being close in age to many of these graduate students, things that happen affect me on similar scale. Now while I do not know many (actually most of them) on a personal basis, things that occur within the graduate population still affect me more than I realize. While I will not discuss exactly what caused me to write this post, it is something that has been weighing on my mind since yesterday afternoon and I would like to share the conclusion that I've been grappling with.
There are so many times in life where sometimes you think "I give up" or you say it out loud, you throw your hands in the air or you just get plain pissed off. Now, typically it's just in reference to small things, like opening a jar of tomato sauce or trying to work through a difficult puzzle, even dealing with the long wait for customer service on the phone - but you never mean "I give up" literally or to the extent that you would do something drastic. If I can't open that jar of tomato sauce, I'll wait for Chris to get home or have my sister do it, and the difficult puzzle? well I'll also ask Chris for help with that too. After thinking about it, we're not giving up, we're just looking for alternative ways to get it done...a solution to the problem so to say. It is so important to admit to yourself that you sometimes need help. There is nothing to be ashamed about and many people are ready to lend a hand.
It is also so important to be aware of the people you're close with. Try and take notice of who they are: are they having a bad day, do they need someone just to listen, are they themselves, struggling with something. Sometimes it just takes one person to notice them to make all the difference. To let them know that there is someone thinking of them and that you are concerned. Sometimes I just need someone to sit next to me, I don't need you to say anything, I just need to feel you there.
Being a recent college graduate myself, my job is a perfect fit. My position involves interaction with graduate students who are under very demanding timelines and many of them are trying to make the world a better place. They are all absolutely wonderful people and our conversations consist of everyday things and I love being a part of that. Unfortunately, being close in age to many of these graduate students, things that happen affect me on similar scale. Now while I do not know many (actually most of them) on a personal basis, things that occur within the graduate population still affect me more than I realize. While I will not discuss exactly what caused me to write this post, it is something that has been weighing on my mind since yesterday afternoon and I would like to share the conclusion that I've been grappling with.
There are so many times in life where sometimes you think "I give up" or you say it out loud, you throw your hands in the air or you just get plain pissed off. Now, typically it's just in reference to small things, like opening a jar of tomato sauce or trying to work through a difficult puzzle, even dealing with the long wait for customer service on the phone - but you never mean "I give up" literally or to the extent that you would do something drastic. If I can't open that jar of tomato sauce, I'll wait for Chris to get home or have my sister do it, and the difficult puzzle? well I'll also ask Chris for help with that too. After thinking about it, we're not giving up, we're just looking for alternative ways to get it done...a solution to the problem so to say. It is so important to admit to yourself that you sometimes need help. There is nothing to be ashamed about and many people are ready to lend a hand.
It is also so important to be aware of the people you're close with. Try and take notice of who they are: are they having a bad day, do they need someone just to listen, are they themselves, struggling with something. Sometimes it just takes one person to notice them to make all the difference. To let them know that there is someone thinking of them and that you are concerned. Sometimes I just need someone to sit next to me, I don't need you to say anything, I just need to feel you there.
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