Well, it's been about two weeks since my last post and to be honest, I had no idea what to write about. I feel as though I keep reiterating myself on some of these posts, but I think that's because I hit a low point and then after feeling crappy for a few days, I try and talk myself out of it. I'm trying REALLY hard to be happy, but sometimes it's exhausting. I mean, I'm doing it for myself as well as Chris, so there's the guilt of being unhappy that goes along with it. I know it's not fair to him for me to be a grouch all the time, but now that we're living together, it's harder to hide it.
So being that it was his birthday today, I'm genuinely happy. Happy times always make me happy, how could they not? Now to make this day even better: I'd rather not be at work and instead celebrate my favorite person's birthday :).
On another note, I started this online class called "Soul Restoration" through the Brave Girls Club. It's...AWESOME, INCREDIBLE, and will hopefully be LIFE CHANGING. I've had some pretty tiresome days, days where I'm just psychologically exhausted, days where my views are extremely pessimistic and I'm hoping that this class will change all of that. This class is about expressing ourselves and trying to be truthful to ourselves and our souls. We're revisiting our past and a lot of the women who are taking this class are finding it difficult. Honestly, it's extremely difficult to look back on the past. The past is the past, it's been forgotten about, buried deep within ourselves, and that's mostly the problem. We've spent so much time burying our emotions and our memories, whether they were good memories or not, that we haven't learned to forgive - haven't learned to accept what happened and moved on. I'm finding for myself, that finding my "truthteller" the being that knows exactly who I am, has seen the decisions and the mistakes I've made has been the most difficult part. As I posted this question in the class forum, a few of the women who responded where very insightful and helped me understand what it is I may be looking for. I think that what I'm looking for is to just be happy with myself but for some reason I'm afraid of that. I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, yet I still look for something wrong, then I fabricate it in my mind and then I get upset and can't look at him. Well, it wasn't his fault, I did it, I made something up in my head and convinced myself that I should be upset...just ridiculous.
Well, this is kind of an abrupt way to end this post, but I lost my train of thought and instead of rambling, I'll just end it and start a new one when I think of something clever to write.
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