Emotions round 2

Since yesterday, I feel like everything is spiraling out of control....again. But one amazing thing happened last night that made me so grateful to be able to experience it. I set my alarm for 2:32 a.m. and willed myself to get out of bed, just so that I could put on my fuzzy slippers and jacket, to walk outside in 20 degrees weather to see the lunar eclipse. I've never seen one before, I'm usually in asleep by the time they tell you it's happening, but this was beautiful and of course I'm paying for the interrupted sleep now. And I don't know if this is the cause of my haywire emotions or if it's something else but I'm having a hard time dealing with things today.

I thought everything was getting better. I was dealing with the things that make me unhappy, figuring out ways to not let things bother me, but sometimes it all comes crashing down once again. The reason? Because I have to think and analyze EVERYTHING.

It started off last night when a friend of mine told me that someone I know has always had this certain type of reputation...a reputation I was unsure existed and now that I know, really bothers me. In just one sentence my entire view of that person completely changed and that, of course changes everything. I know that the rule of thumb is that you should take what people say with a grain of salt, but the thing is, I can see it...I can see why this person has this reputation and I think knowing it's true makes it more difficult to take. The worst part, is that I can't help but think that because this person has had this "reputation" for so long, they'll never change. At this point, I just don't know what to do or make of it. This also makes me question so many other things as well, which of course makes me more upset.

To top it off, I am so tired of people expecting me to keep my mouth shut about things when I was never asked to do so in the first place. I mean obviously I'm not going to go around blabbing things that shouldn't be said, because it will always affect someone, but I mean come on. I'm tired of being dragged into the middle of things that don't have anything to do with me to begin with and after saying numerous times that I don't want to get wrapped up in it. But of course friends are different...when they need me, I'm there and if they tell me something in confidant then I would never say anything. But please don't make me feel like shit because you neglected to be a bigger person and do the right thing. I am done with letting people make me feel bad because of something they did...it's your fault and you're mad at me because you know what's right and what's wrong. I don't understand why it's so difficult for people to take responsibility for their lives and the things around them. Grow up. Stop acting like a child and do something with yourself. It's not my fault, so stop walking all over me.

Unfortunately, this is all much easier said then done...chances are, I will still get upset when you blame me for things, I will still get upset when you make it my fault, I will still get upset when you say mean things but that's me, so try to be more considerate, but the chances of that happening though? Slim. Very very slim.

Christmas time last year...

As I sit at my desk, listening to Christmas music, wondering if they're ever going to fix the heat situation so my fingers don't feel like Popsicles, I think ahead to what the upcoming weeks hold. It's hard to imagine what is going to happen and to plan on something, because most of the time it never turns out the way you expect it to. Regardless of whether it's good or bad, things happen that you could never have thought would happen. Circumstances changed and you're faced with figuring things out right then and there. Don't get me wrong, it's so important to have a plan - a rough sketch of what you would like to accomplish or possibly see yourself. When you have that general idea, piece by piece you will work on getting to where you want to be and in that process of doing so, you might surprise yourself and find something else that's worth reaching for.

After I came to this realization, I now look back on past years: memories of this time of year and pictures that scroll as my screen saver and it always amazes me how much things have changed. The people you spent holiday's with year after year have some how slowly dispersed and after thinking of the memories and all the people, there are always those select few who stand out in my mind. Good, bad, in between, but for some reason they have left a mark on my life. Each Christmas season I do the same thing and every Christmas I am thankful for the people that I have in my life, and typically they're always different then the prior year with a few regulars in the mix.

As we get older and create new chapters in our life, we fill them with new memories and new people. Looking back on where I was this time last year, I still remember how I felt - I was happy, finishing the fall semester, going to see the Rockefeller Christmas tree and just going through the motions of life and getting ready to graduate from college. I never would've expected our foreseen where I am now: another year older with a full time job, an amazing boyfriend who I'm moving in with and I'm pretty sure I'm happier than I was last year.

So I think I've learned to just be patient; this year is different than last year, this month is different than last month, so instead of remembering the past, we should always try to look forward to the future because it WILL be different. We may be at the same job, living in the same house, may or may not be with the same person, but we WILL be different. We will view the world a bit differently, we will find solutions to our problems differently and we will be okay. If we can just keep moving forward, we'll get where we're supposed to be.

11 months later, I am right where I'm supposed to be with the person I'm supposed to be with...who'd a thought?

How to be amazing...

I was reading a friend of mine's blog earlier, and she asked everyone to comment on how they go out into the world to be amazing and happy. What obstacles in your life have you overcome or are face to face with right now, forced to either run away and hide from or to take it for what it is and make it better. I must say, last week I was miserable...angry at the world... and no matter how hard I tried to think about what I was thankful for, to just be happy that I am where I am, just made me more upset. Now, with a clear head I look back on last week and while a part of me still feels the same way, I'm trying so so hard to look at the positive side and think about all of the exciting things that are about to happen over the next couple weeks.

In this economy, people are out of jobs, recent graduates are unable to secure anything, and here I am, a recent graduate with a decent paying job, and I am miserable. And I wonder, did I set myself up for this way back in May? When I was dreading graduation because that meant entering the workforce (if I could find a job). But there is always that one thing or person that can completely ruin something for you. It ruins everything, it makes your day so much harder to get through. You sit at your desk thinking "I need to be happy, I should be happy, I have opportunities that not many people have, so why can't I just deal with it and stop letting it affect me". The answer? It's because the harder you try, the more expectations your have for yourself. You get through one day and you think okay one down, four more to go until the weekend and then it's Sunday - your awesome weekend is ruined the moment you wake up and think: I have to go back. So should I account my feelings to the period of my life where finals and books were all I cared about? No, I don't think so, it just comes to one of my nightmares about real life finally became my life.

I really don't know how I'm going to cope with it, when I try to talk about it, I just get things I don't want to hear and yes, they're things that are dead on, I realized them a while ago but that is not what I need to hear right now. Just listen. Listen and understand. Don't speak, just comfort. At least I'm acting on it and not just sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

So back to the title and whole point of this blog: How to be amazing. Look at yourself, think of all the things in your life that make you happy, that make you feel amazing: you're favorite pair of jeans, an awesome dress, your boyfriend/girlfriend, husband or wife, your dog, your horse, your family, your favorite color...anything and focus in on all of that happiness. Then, the things or people in your life that bring out the worst in you won't be able to affect you as much. I know it's hard, and my experience will only better if I remove myself from the situation and I'm working on it. Regardless of whether I wind up going where I'm trying to pave that particular path or I keep trying different paths, at least I kow I'm trying to make it better. I'm NOT giving up.

So, I think that is how to be amazing: don't give up, don't let the things in your life that aren't that great weigh you down: sort it out, think it through, come up with a plan and GO. Life is too short to live in unhappiness and plus when we're happy other's will see it. So take today and put everything aside and just BE HAPPY.

Dream big and accomplish what you've set out to do...

Instead of writing down what makes me unhappy and miserable, I decided that this post will be about everything I'm grateful for. Everyone should try this, think about what you want to make room for in your heart, your life, your relationships. Dream big and try to accomplish as many goals as you possibly can. So here I go:

First, what I want to make room for is happiness and joy. I want to make room for art and books, my pen and paper. I want to make room for love and seeing the better side of things. I want to make room for all of the happiness that people spread all over. Now that I have that down here are a FEW things/people that I am grateful for:

I am so grateful for my sister. Without her, I never would've discovered what it felt like to be a role model and to look after someone. She can make the crappiest day so much better and makes me laugh with her silly words. She has the most genuine heart and has so many friends - everyone loves her, she's someone you just want to be around. She only sees the best in people and believes in her friends and her family - that they can be the best they can be. We've both gone through so much together over the last few years and while we hardly got a long since we were little, something has changed and she truly has become my best friend.

I am grateful for my mother, who put me through school and supported me in the thing I love most in this world, riding horses. She has always believed that I can do anything I set my mind to, and typically uses that against me to teach me that I must make my own decisions. I've chosen some pretty overgrown paths over the past few months, paths I'm still paving and trimming, waiting on how they're going to pan out - but she has helped me create them so that they can continue to lengthen and I can keep moving forward.

I am grateful for my boyfriend, Chris. We've been together almost a year and he has stayed by my side through some of the most difficult chapters in my life so far. From graduating college, a divorce, my first full-time job and from my many ups and downs that have appeared over the last six months. He has continued to support me and be a shoulder to cry on through everything. He has become the only person (other than my sister) that I can rely on and trust to the furthest spot in space. His type A personality, that sometimes aggravates me to my core, is what holds us together through some of the toughest times. And our relationship is more than just that, we have never put pressure on each other, we've been going with the flow and things have been working out in such unexpected ways. The two things we expect from one another is communication and just accepting each other for who we are. He's such an awesome person and I wouldn't be able to picture my life without him.

I am grateful for my horses. The horses I have owned/leased/ridden, each one taught me something different about myself. Each one, having a different personality, taught me to be open minded, to never give up on someone or something, and to keep pursuing my dreams. They have always been such a big part of my life and I am not me without them.

Finally (even though I'm grateful for so much more, this post would go on and on and on), my friends. I am grateful to all of you. The new friends, the friends I've lost touch with, you're all such a HUGE part of my life and I love you all so much.

One last thought: Even in the toughest of times, when nothing seems to be going right, or all you can think of is everything that's become a burden try to take a deep breathe and remember everything in your life that doesn't make you want to scream and give up (or run to another country in my case). Whether it be the sun shinning, peppermint ice cream, the holiday spirit, just please try to remember the joyful things in life. Take a chance on something or someone, because when you take a chance you have no idea how that just changed your life. Everyone deserves to find happiness in their life and with the seasons changing and the greyness of the sky on some days, it may be hard to see the upside of things. But I promise you, just remember all the things that make you happy, where you've come from since last year, the people you have met throughout your life...each person you meet adds a little something to who you are: a self discovery, a change in how you view the world, a memory that makes you smile. So SMILE and be happy.

Trying to be brave

Recently someone asked me to tell them about myself in an email...so, I tried. I wrote the opening sentence, said a few things, and then started the paragraph about myself...but as I continued to write, I realized that what I was writing had nothing to do with me. Finally, I accepted the fact that I have no idea who I am and no idea what to say (talk about depressing). I'm not boring (at least I don't think so) and I pretty easy to get along with, but I can't tell you WHO I AM, what makes me. I can say that I'm an equestrian, but that's just a title. I can say I like to read and write, but those are hobbies and while they all contribute to the things that make a person somebody, it's not entirely who I am.

How do we loose sight of the people we have become? How can we let ourselves go to the point where we just don't know ourselves anymore. For instance, I cry...all the time. I don't know when it started or why I do it, the only thing I do know is that I never used to...and now I do. I have become so sensitive to everything and everyone. The smallest thing upsets me (NO it's not PMS) and it affects me so much that I keep worrying an thinking about it. It comes like a thunderstorm and I just have to wait it out. Yes, it makes me feel and look like a complete idiot, that I'm crying about certain things, but I just sit back and wait until the puddles stop forming and then go on until the next wind blows.

I was one of those people who "had to go find themselves". I was a sophomore in college and thought that at the ripe age of 19 I was loosing grip on life and myself so...I went to Italy. After about a week there, I decided I was done finding myself but I still had 4 months and a week to go. I think I did find myself, I learned a little about what the real world holds, that it's not the nicest and sometimes when you're totally alone in a different country, you figure out what and who you are. You figure out what you can handle and can't handle. I began to see the world differently to look at things and really SEE them. Do you really SEE the small things in your life? The things that have gotten you to where you are now? I used to and I never wanted to loose that but I did and I'm fighting so hard to get it back.

Well, I found myself at 19 and now at 22 I feel as though I need to do it all over again. In two years so much has happened and affected me. I feel that if you're still in the same place where you've been affected by the life around you, then you'll just get sucked into the drama, dullness and unhappiness of it all. I don't want to be unhappy, I want to enjoy life (if not every day, most days )and all that it has to offer. But, the sad part is that it's more difficult for me to take off and escape to another country now, I can't just walk away from my problems and in the midst of it all, I am the only one who truly understands what I'm going through and how I feel. So, what am I going to do about it? Well, I'm sitting here trying to come up with ways to find myself in my current situation, without hopping on an airplane and going half way across the world. I have responsibilities, relationships, and bills so what is most economic and time friendly? When I figure it out I'll let you know.

I do try to wake up in the morning feeling grateful for everything that I have but there are days that just suck, are truly horrible, days when you wake up in the morning and are already saying "Shit, I haven't even taken a damn shower yet and I already feel like this" Yay! For this day is going to be a winner and my attitude is the blue ribbon that goes with the trophy.

These are days that I just want to go home and watch Christmas movies all day long. I love Christmas, I love the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I love Thanksgiving, but all this love cannot prevent the unforeseen shittiness that seems to pop up. The advice? Breathe, count to ten, start your day over. And after I listen to that, all I feel like saying is: Do you really think I want to start this day over? I'd rather be done with it, wake up in the morning and start a brand new day in hopes that I won't feel as crappy inside as the weather is outside.

So this is me, trying to start my day over, trying to find ways to forget about the small stuff and the drama and just keep moving forward, trying to figure out things that make me happy, to continue pushing forward: Doing things for me.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh... "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you."

Regardless of how much you care for someone, it seems to me that they can never care enough. What some of us (or most of us) want is to be acknowledged, missed by the people who love us. When I've had a bad day, a text message, phone call, facebook message, card, something just to let me know that you're thinking of me is all that I'm asking from you - but that's me. "Treat others the way you would want to be treated". Often, people become comfortable in relationships and don't get me wrong, that's a good thing to an extent, but not to the point where you stop doing the little things you did in the beginning of the relationship. Those little things, while you may have been trying to impress or be on your best behavior, that's what made the grueling act of dating and getting to know someone worth while. When did I ever ask you to stop being nice? Do you remember, cause I don't.

Everything adds up. Them not coming by, playing video games when they ask you to come over. Perosnally, the only thing I want is for you to be nice and respect me. Like A.A. Milne says "to be sure of you". Are you the person I fell in love with or was that just a mask. Will things really change? Or will it happen for a week or two and then it's forgotten.

Just put yourself in the other person's shoes (I know I keep using sayings and quotes in this entry, but they fit). Maybe then you'll see how they're feeling and begin to understand their reasons. Then again, maybe you won't.

What does it mean to understand?

Why do we allow other people to make us feel inconsequential. I know the phrase by Eleanor Roosevelt all too well: "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent", yet we still manage to let other people's words and actions take a toll on our emotions. I think it's just human nature, we feel with our hearts, our minds, our fingertips and whether we show it, are vulnerable more times than not. We have become so good at acting, using words to mask the way we feel and covering up the expressions our faces betray us with. I don't understand why it is so hard for some people who supposedly care about us so much to be so mean at times, saying things that sting in the deepest places of our soul. This causes us to feel inferior for the people who are closest to us and ones we care and love the most are the ones who cause the damage. We want them to acknowledge who we are, what we do, how we feel and even though communication is a major part of emphasizing all of those things, it won't work unless the opposing side listens and understands.

Understand. That's a word that everyone knows but do we know how to execute the meaning of that word? When someone is telling you something, it is our job as the listener to try to understand what they're saying. They're telling us for a reason and instead of forming an opinion or putting up a defensive shield - stop. take a breathe. and put yourself in their shoes for a minute or two. Try to figure out what they're trying to tell you, try to understand and comprehend their point of view on the matter at hand.

a work of art in more ways than one

I just finished watching the movie, "Remember Me", and the ending definitely surprised me. For all of you who have yet to see it, I'm going to ruin the ending. At first, when I finally realized what was going on/going to happen, I literally stopped the movie and wasn't sure I'd be able to handle watching it. It wasn't gore nor horror or anything of the sort, it was more emotional, I felt my heart pause making me so anxious I could hardly breathe - but then all of the anxiety building up, I couldn't not finish it. So I sat down and pushed play. The anxiety eventually turned into the feeling of confusion, the same feeling I got exactly 9 years, 10 months and 29 days ago. I remember sitting in my eighth grade literature class waiting for my name to be called over the loud speaker letting me know my mom was in the office waiting for me. I remember the beep of the speaker and, assuming it was for me, began gathering up my things -well, it wasn't for me. Name after name after name was being called and within seconds teachers cell phones started vibrating. The principal interupted the name calling informing teachers and students not to turn on the news...that was an order. Rather, an "incident" occured in Manahattan and if teachers had loved ones who worked in the buisness district that they should get in contact with them immediately. After hearing that, sheer panic errupted. Finally, I heard my name, knowing what I was being called down for wasn't anything to me, but my teacher looked at me with sorrowful eyes telling me "everything was going to be ok". As I walked to the office, I saw mothers and fathers with tears crowding the hallway. Finally, I saw my mom with a look of sheer terror on her face rushing me to the car and as I got in, I thought why is she so upset? I'm only getting my tooth pulled. Little did I know, my dad was calling her, while we were sitting in the parking lot, saying that he wouldn't be coming home that night nor did he know when he would be, but that he loved us and he'd call when he could. That was the last time I heard his voice through my mother's ear for three days.

Now, I know my experience with this horrific event is no where near anything that someone else has gone through on that day and I am so very sorry for any of you that had. The only reason why I'm bringing this up is because this is something that was burried deep within me that was put there almost ten years ago and tonight it decided to surface...

Which brings me back to the movie and the reason for my post, the anxiety of possibly seeing it again whether or not is re-enacted or not is what caught hold of me and really bothers me. Because even though it's just a movie, it brings back memories of a day that none of us want to ever relive. A day where people were in places they have never been but for some reason were there. A day when you get up for school in the morning just like the other four days during the week and wind up home a few hours early listening to your parent/s on the phone with aunts, uncles, friends etc. But this movie made me think about everything that I've done in my life and want to do and what is stopping me. Robert Pattinson's character says "Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says you're no where near ready, but the other half says make [them] yours forever". And while I agree with what he's saying, I also think that whatever a person does is significant to them. The choices we make and the paths we choose make us who we are. The people in our lives are those that we have chosen to be there. Our closest friends are there because we trust them. Family is there because we love them and the members of the family that we've been careful to bond with has grown over the years because you share a blood relation (I'm just speaking personally). But I believe that friends are so incredibly special because there was a reason we were brought together and maintained a relationship throughout the years. Regardless of the reason there's is a special trust and love for each individual, one that cannot be duplicated. So, back to my whole interpretation of the message from this movie is that we really must treasure everything and everyone in our lives. I know for me, it's been an especially difficult year so far and while I have ended a very close friendship a few months ago, I still think back and wonder if doing that was really the best thing. I truly believe that the people in your life help shape you into the person you become and if you ever loose someone, you loose a part of yourself. The self that you were when around that person. The piece of your personality that they brought out in you. Every one of the people in your life is different from the next thereby adding a little piece of themselves to you and vice versa. A friend of mine was in a predicament a few weeks ago and when I finally saw her she told me that while in the midst of it all, she thought about what I would've done, which helped her make a difficult dicision. Knowing that the person I am and the friendship we have helped her make an important decision made me feel so incredibly special. Wherever your life takes you remember the people in your life because they are with you wherever you go, deep inside the space that is filled with the piece they left you and this, all of those tiny pieces puzzled together - has created a masterpiece...YOU.

Well this is my first post and instead of giving some apology for how boring it may be or what not, you can read it or skip to the next one but I'm just in an irritated mood at the moment so here goes. I'm sitting here as a re-run of Gilmore Girls is on in the background. It's the episode where Rory drops out of Yale and begins to work with her grandmother. And honestly, the more I listen to the ridiculous comments going on about Rory being a "woman of mystery and intrigue" the more it annoys me. Granted it's just a TV show but come one. Being a recent graduate from Rutgers, I am under the constant stress of realizing that my undergraduate career is over. O-V-E-R. It's nerve racking especially since I can't find a job and while the people that surround me on a daily basis (my co-workers for the most part) tell me "Oh, everyone is in your position. You'll find something, don't worry", all I want to do is scream. Ok, I get it, it's annoying listening to me whine and complain that out of the ten or so applications I sent out I heard back from one, a rejection none the less, but must they constantly tell me that? I mean honestly I've spent the past four years busting my ass to graduate, switched majors three times, studied abroad and on May 16th I sat for three and a half hours all for the one minute of walking on stage to shake some random persons hand, who I didn't even know existed until about two hours and forty minutes into the whole event for a piece of paper that wasn't even my diploma.

Okay, so here we have a recent graduate with no full-time job prospect who has just become aware that she will be paying not only her gas but car insurance, cell phone bill, gym membership, riding lessons, horse shows and to top it off! My health insurance is about to expire. So way to go Alex, you've completed another step in your education/life and now here's financial responsibility on a silver platter. That silver platter being my maybe $350 bi weekly pay check from my part time job. Yes.

Granted, many people I graduated were hired as soon as they graduated and I am ecstatic for them but just because I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do: Teach, editorial assistant, journalist, free thinker doesn't mean I don't have a plan...I did. Law School. And now that dream is shot down, turning into the five maybe ten year plan. It's all just a mess out there and the more applications I put out the further I run in the opposite direction. And that opposite directions is bringing me head first towards the Indonesia teaching position.