Trying to be brave

Recently someone asked me to tell them about myself in an email...so, I tried. I wrote the opening sentence, said a few things, and then started the paragraph about myself...but as I continued to write, I realized that what I was writing had nothing to do with me. Finally, I accepted the fact that I have no idea who I am and no idea what to say (talk about depressing). I'm not boring (at least I don't think so) and I pretty easy to get along with, but I can't tell you WHO I AM, what makes me. I can say that I'm an equestrian, but that's just a title. I can say I like to read and write, but those are hobbies and while they all contribute to the things that make a person somebody, it's not entirely who I am.

How do we loose sight of the people we have become? How can we let ourselves go to the point where we just don't know ourselves anymore. For instance, I cry...all the time. I don't know when it started or why I do it, the only thing I do know is that I never used to...and now I do. I have become so sensitive to everything and everyone. The smallest thing upsets me (NO it's not PMS) and it affects me so much that I keep worrying an thinking about it. It comes like a thunderstorm and I just have to wait it out. Yes, it makes me feel and look like a complete idiot, that I'm crying about certain things, but I just sit back and wait until the puddles stop forming and then go on until the next wind blows.

I was one of those people who "had to go find themselves". I was a sophomore in college and thought that at the ripe age of 19 I was loosing grip on life and myself so...I went to Italy. After about a week there, I decided I was done finding myself but I still had 4 months and a week to go. I think I did find myself, I learned a little about what the real world holds, that it's not the nicest and sometimes when you're totally alone in a different country, you figure out what and who you are. You figure out what you can handle and can't handle. I began to see the world differently to look at things and really SEE them. Do you really SEE the small things in your life? The things that have gotten you to where you are now? I used to and I never wanted to loose that but I did and I'm fighting so hard to get it back.

Well, I found myself at 19 and now at 22 I feel as though I need to do it all over again. In two years so much has happened and affected me. I feel that if you're still in the same place where you've been affected by the life around you, then you'll just get sucked into the drama, dullness and unhappiness of it all. I don't want to be unhappy, I want to enjoy life (if not every day, most days )and all that it has to offer. But, the sad part is that it's more difficult for me to take off and escape to another country now, I can't just walk away from my problems and in the midst of it all, I am the only one who truly understands what I'm going through and how I feel. So, what am I going to do about it? Well, I'm sitting here trying to come up with ways to find myself in my current situation, without hopping on an airplane and going half way across the world. I have responsibilities, relationships, and bills so what is most economic and time friendly? When I figure it out I'll let you know.

I do try to wake up in the morning feeling grateful for everything that I have but there are days that just suck, are truly horrible, days when you wake up in the morning and are already saying "Shit, I haven't even taken a damn shower yet and I already feel like this" Yay! For this day is going to be a winner and my attitude is the blue ribbon that goes with the trophy.

These are days that I just want to go home and watch Christmas movies all day long. I love Christmas, I love the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I love Thanksgiving, but all this love cannot prevent the unforeseen shittiness that seems to pop up. The advice? Breathe, count to ten, start your day over. And after I listen to that, all I feel like saying is: Do you really think I want to start this day over? I'd rather be done with it, wake up in the morning and start a brand new day in hopes that I won't feel as crappy inside as the weather is outside.

So this is me, trying to start my day over, trying to find ways to forget about the small stuff and the drama and just keep moving forward, trying to figure out things that make me happy, to continue pushing forward: Doing things for me.