Emotions round 2

Since yesterday, I feel like everything is spiraling out of control....again. But one amazing thing happened last night that made me so grateful to be able to experience it. I set my alarm for 2:32 a.m. and willed myself to get out of bed, just so that I could put on my fuzzy slippers and jacket, to walk outside in 20 degrees weather to see the lunar eclipse. I've never seen one before, I'm usually in asleep by the time they tell you it's happening, but this was beautiful and of course I'm paying for the interrupted sleep now. And I don't know if this is the cause of my haywire emotions or if it's something else but I'm having a hard time dealing with things today.

I thought everything was getting better. I was dealing with the things that make me unhappy, figuring out ways to not let things bother me, but sometimes it all comes crashing down once again. The reason? Because I have to think and analyze EVERYTHING.

It started off last night when a friend of mine told me that someone I know has always had this certain type of reputation...a reputation I was unsure existed and now that I know, really bothers me. In just one sentence my entire view of that person completely changed and that, of course changes everything. I know that the rule of thumb is that you should take what people say with a grain of salt, but the thing is, I can see it...I can see why this person has this reputation and I think knowing it's true makes it more difficult to take. The worst part, is that I can't help but think that because this person has had this "reputation" for so long, they'll never change. At this point, I just don't know what to do or make of it. This also makes me question so many other things as well, which of course makes me more upset.

To top it off, I am so tired of people expecting me to keep my mouth shut about things when I was never asked to do so in the first place. I mean obviously I'm not going to go around blabbing things that shouldn't be said, because it will always affect someone, but I mean come on. I'm tired of being dragged into the middle of things that don't have anything to do with me to begin with and after saying numerous times that I don't want to get wrapped up in it. But of course friends are different...when they need me, I'm there and if they tell me something in confidant then I would never say anything. But please don't make me feel like shit because you neglected to be a bigger person and do the right thing. I am done with letting people make me feel bad because of something they did...it's your fault and you're mad at me because you know what's right and what's wrong. I don't understand why it's so difficult for people to take responsibility for their lives and the things around them. Grow up. Stop acting like a child and do something with yourself. It's not my fault, so stop walking all over me.

Unfortunately, this is all much easier said then done...chances are, I will still get upset when you blame me for things, I will still get upset when you make it my fault, I will still get upset when you say mean things but that's me, so try to be more considerate, but the chances of that happening though? Slim. Very very slim.