Well, it's been about two weeks since my last post and to be honest, I had no idea what to write about. I feel as though I keep reiterating myself on some of these posts, but I think that's because I hit a low point and then after feeling crappy for a few days, I try and talk myself out of it. I'm trying REALLY hard to be happy, but sometimes it's exhausting. I mean, I'm doing it for myself as well as Chris, so there's the guilt of being unhappy that goes along with it. I know it's not fair to him for me to be a grouch all the time, but now that we're living together, it's harder to hide it.
So being that it was his birthday today, I'm genuinely happy. Happy times always make me happy, how could they not? Now to make this day even better: I'd rather not be at work and instead celebrate my favorite person's birthday :).
On another note, I started this online class called "Soul Restoration" through the Brave Girls Club. It's...AWESOME, INCREDIBLE, and will hopefully be LIFE CHANGING. I've had some pretty tiresome days, days where I'm just psychologically exhausted, days where my views are extremely pessimistic and I'm hoping that this class will change all of that. This class is about expressing ourselves and trying to be truthful to ourselves and our souls. We're revisiting our past and a lot of the women who are taking this class are finding it difficult. Honestly, it's extremely difficult to look back on the past. The past is the past, it's been forgotten about, buried deep within ourselves, and that's mostly the problem. We've spent so much time burying our emotions and our memories, whether they were good memories or not, that we haven't learned to forgive - haven't learned to accept what happened and moved on. I'm finding for myself, that finding my "truthteller" the being that knows exactly who I am, has seen the decisions and the mistakes I've made has been the most difficult part. As I posted this question in the class forum, a few of the women who responded where very insightful and helped me understand what it is I may be looking for. I think that what I'm looking for is to just be happy with myself but for some reason I'm afraid of that. I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, yet I still look for something wrong, then I fabricate it in my mind and then I get upset and can't look at him. Well, it wasn't his fault, I did it, I made something up in my head and convinced myself that I should be upset...just ridiculous.
Well, this is kind of an abrupt way to end this post, but I lost my train of thought and instead of rambling, I'll just end it and start a new one when I think of something clever to write.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”
I'm sure many of you have had days where they start out like a perfectly normal day. Feeling great, content with everything and then some time throughout the day, that feeling just turns a 180 on you...well, that was my day yesterday. Ironically, I believe my post from yesterday or possibly the day before, had a completely different tone...I'm not biopolar, just moody I guess. But as my perfectly normal day began, it ended much differently and I woke up this morning hanging onto a little piece of yesterday. But, being a part of a very prestigious University, things happen, things that we do not understand and these things stay with me.
Being a recent college graduate myself, my job is a perfect fit. My position involves interaction with graduate students who are under very demanding timelines and many of them are trying to make the world a better place. They are all absolutely wonderful people and our conversations consist of everyday things and I love being a part of that. Unfortunately, being close in age to many of these graduate students, things that happen affect me on similar scale. Now while I do not know many (actually most of them) on a personal basis, things that occur within the graduate population still affect me more than I realize. While I will not discuss exactly what caused me to write this post, it is something that has been weighing on my mind since yesterday afternoon and I would like to share the conclusion that I've been grappling with.
There are so many times in life where sometimes you think "I give up" or you say it out loud, you throw your hands in the air or you just get plain pissed off. Now, typically it's just in reference to small things, like opening a jar of tomato sauce or trying to work through a difficult puzzle, even dealing with the long wait for customer service on the phone - but you never mean "I give up" literally or to the extent that you would do something drastic. If I can't open that jar of tomato sauce, I'll wait for Chris to get home or have my sister do it, and the difficult puzzle? well I'll also ask Chris for help with that too. After thinking about it, we're not giving up, we're just looking for alternative ways to get it done...a solution to the problem so to say. It is so important to admit to yourself that you sometimes need help. There is nothing to be ashamed about and many people are ready to lend a hand.
It is also so important to be aware of the people you're close with. Try and take notice of who they are: are they having a bad day, do they need someone just to listen, are they themselves, struggling with something. Sometimes it just takes one person to notice them to make all the difference. To let them know that there is someone thinking of them and that you are concerned. Sometimes I just need someone to sit next to me, I don't need you to say anything, I just need to feel you there.
Being a recent college graduate myself, my job is a perfect fit. My position involves interaction with graduate students who are under very demanding timelines and many of them are trying to make the world a better place. They are all absolutely wonderful people and our conversations consist of everyday things and I love being a part of that. Unfortunately, being close in age to many of these graduate students, things that happen affect me on similar scale. Now while I do not know many (actually most of them) on a personal basis, things that occur within the graduate population still affect me more than I realize. While I will not discuss exactly what caused me to write this post, it is something that has been weighing on my mind since yesterday afternoon and I would like to share the conclusion that I've been grappling with.
There are so many times in life where sometimes you think "I give up" or you say it out loud, you throw your hands in the air or you just get plain pissed off. Now, typically it's just in reference to small things, like opening a jar of tomato sauce or trying to work through a difficult puzzle, even dealing with the long wait for customer service on the phone - but you never mean "I give up" literally or to the extent that you would do something drastic. If I can't open that jar of tomato sauce, I'll wait for Chris to get home or have my sister do it, and the difficult puzzle? well I'll also ask Chris for help with that too. After thinking about it, we're not giving up, we're just looking for alternative ways to get it done...a solution to the problem so to say. It is so important to admit to yourself that you sometimes need help. There is nothing to be ashamed about and many people are ready to lend a hand.
It is also so important to be aware of the people you're close with. Try and take notice of who they are: are they having a bad day, do they need someone just to listen, are they themselves, struggling with something. Sometimes it just takes one person to notice them to make all the difference. To let them know that there is someone thinking of them and that you are concerned. Sometimes I just need someone to sit next to me, I don't need you to say anything, I just need to feel you there.
Monday, January 3, 2011
New beginnings, new chapters, a New Year
Wow, I cannot believe that 2010 is over and 2011 has just begun. So many things happened this past year and I must say, they were all pretty good. Over the weekend, I watched as my facebook news feed updated every so often with my "friends" statuses, telling the world whether they had happy thoughts of 2010 or were just glad it was over and many of them - well they are glad it's over, but me? Sure I've had plenty of ups and downs (more downs I would say after looking at my blog posts) but the ups were just as significant. I guess my new year (or new chapter) started the day after Christmas, December 26. Since that day, it's been one week since Chris and I moved to our lovely apartment and wow is it awesome. We absolutely love it, sure the couches not fitting through the front door, Chris' hand getting smushed, the blizzard of 2010 causing a state of emergency, all happened on that day...but looking back on it, we made it and I didn't expect anything different.
2010 proved to be a lot of firsts for us and myself. Our first date on January 15, 2010 (which I look back and remember the exact moment he asked me to be his date for his birthday party the following weekend - and I believe I'm the only one who actually remembers 90% of that birthday)...followed by our first holiday spent together: Easter, where I met majority of the family that I will be seeing for every major holiday thereafter (and I aboslutely love all of them). Then it was our first summer, which was exactly 6 months into our relationship and unleashed a long rollercoaster of arguments that happened late at night. These arguments were the cause of emotional walls that shot up and brought tears, and yet, we stuck through it all because we were THAT determined and we knew that we both wanted to be together. After the summer rough patch, our arguments turned into disagreements that consisted of miscommunication for about 5 minutes and were then forgoten about (should I mention that during this 6 month mile stone in our relationship, I landed my first full time job in August, after graduating from college back in May and while I'm so thankful for my job, the days I spent studying in the library and going to class are ones that I miss dearly). As the seasons changed and warm weather turned to cold and snow, we spent our first Christmas together (which happened at the end of the first year of our relationship). Christmas was amazing, it was quiet and filled with our families. Then, the following day began a new chapter in our relationship: moving into our first apartment. Unsure of how it was going to go and how we would adjust to living with one another has proven to be a success! (for the first week).
And now, at the closing of our first year, we celebrated our first New Year's together: went to dinner, came home, watched the ball drop, asleep by 12:30 - it was perfect.
Through the midst of it all and looking back on everything now, I really am genuinely happy. The stress will come and go and my feelings for certain things in my life will waiver but looking back on all that I've accomplished and where I am today, I must say I couldn't have asked for more (well, more snow would always be nice). As for Chris, even though he's still the one person that can aggravate me at times, I wake up in the morning and know that I love him that much more.
2010 proved to be a lot of firsts for us and myself. Our first date on January 15, 2010 (which I look back and remember the exact moment he asked me to be his date for his birthday party the following weekend - and I believe I'm the only one who actually remembers 90% of that birthday)...followed by our first holiday spent together: Easter, where I met majority of the family that I will be seeing for every major holiday thereafter (and I aboslutely love all of them). Then it was our first summer, which was exactly 6 months into our relationship and unleashed a long rollercoaster of arguments that happened late at night. These arguments were the cause of emotional walls that shot up and brought tears, and yet, we stuck through it all because we were THAT determined and we knew that we both wanted to be together. After the summer rough patch, our arguments turned into disagreements that consisted of miscommunication for about 5 minutes and were then forgoten about (should I mention that during this 6 month mile stone in our relationship, I landed my first full time job in August, after graduating from college back in May and while I'm so thankful for my job, the days I spent studying in the library and going to class are ones that I miss dearly). As the seasons changed and warm weather turned to cold and snow, we spent our first Christmas together (which happened at the end of the first year of our relationship). Christmas was amazing, it was quiet and filled with our families. Then, the following day began a new chapter in our relationship: moving into our first apartment. Unsure of how it was going to go and how we would adjust to living with one another has proven to be a success! (for the first week).
And now, at the closing of our first year, we celebrated our first New Year's together: went to dinner, came home, watched the ball drop, asleep by 12:30 - it was perfect.
Through the midst of it all and looking back on everything now, I really am genuinely happy. The stress will come and go and my feelings for certain things in my life will waiver but looking back on all that I've accomplished and where I am today, I must say I couldn't have asked for more (well, more snow would always be nice). As for Chris, even though he's still the one person that can aggravate me at times, I wake up in the morning and know that I love him that much more.
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