What the written word means to me

I've always been a fan of handwriting instead of typing. Even throughout college, I always wrote my papers on lined paper before I started to type them (and trust me, I had A LOT of papers to write). I feel as though the words and thoughts I'm trying to convey to either myself or an audience come more clearly by seeing the words appear from my fingertips. I love seeing my thoughts flow across the paper from my hand. It's as though my heart and soul are asking my brain to talk to my hand and the only thing needed to complete the process is a pen and ink - a simple object that can bring thoughts to life. An object we tend to take for granted, but if a pen didn't exist then how would we be able to translate our thoughts (other then speaking)?

Whenever I have something important or emotional to say, I always write everything I'm going to say down first. Now, most of the time they're incomplete sentences because I write how I think, sometimes bullet points and sometimes I'll write a letter to the person I'm addressing and read that. Words on paper have a whole different meaning then speaking. When I read something that was created personally for me, I see that as being for forever. They're there, in front of me, tangible, I can read and re-read and even when the paper starts to wear from holding it and reading it so many times, I always feel something pulling at my heart.

People say that once a word is spoken, you can never really take it back, you can try to forget it, but if it has left a mark, you will remember everything about when and how that word (or sentence) is spoken. The same goes for the written word, once a word is written, it can be erased and deleted, sure, but the imprint is still there, the thought behind the written word, questions as to what made this word show itself will always linger.

As I was handwriting this post, an idea popped into my head and I realized why I was so afraid of being honest with myself in my journal. My journal, which should be a safe place to fill my thoughts and for only my eyes to see, is filled with partial truths. When things get hard or I'm ashamed of my thoughts and feelings, instead of writing them down and looking at them, I find myself avoiding my journal. I want to write everything down, but by writing them out, it's out there, it's no longer kept inside. I can go back and reread what I felt and feel ashamed or disappointed in myself all over again. I can share and think about all of my fears, thoughts, disappointments, accomplishments, within myself, but writing them down? Well that just makes them real.

I do struggle with admitting and coming to terms with some of the things in my life, and because I can't admit them to myself, I can't admit them to anyone. I'm trying to change that, but it's so hard to be honest with yourself sometimes.