Life in the Real World

I miss him...

2011-06-01T09:21:00.003-05:00

It's definitely been a rough couple of days between Chris and me. I feel as though we've become so distant even when we're sitting right next to one another. I look at his face and I can see that there's something there that he's not saying and it's killing me. I feel like we're trying so hard to put whatever happened this weekend behind us and it's obvious. He's not the same as he used to be, his body language and the way he talks to me is just different. I don't know if he's bouncing off of me but it's getting to be so hard. I wish he would just be honest, I feel like it's always me doing the talking and he doesn't say anything. I miss him. We were sitting on the couch and I looked at him and thought "God, I miss him, what happened?". I don't know what's going on and it's making me so worried. I don't know what to do, it's just not the same.

I know that when you love some one you have to take the good with the bad and if something happens that you don't agree with, you have to figure out if you can put it aside. I'm trying so hard to do that. I have problems with his occupation and I'm trying to work through them, but I've become so insecure because of it. I don't know when I started doubting myself and putting myself down but I know it's been within the past year and a half. He keeps telling me to be me, but I feel like if I am, that it won't be good enough, or toned enough or smart, happy enough. I am so afraid that I'll loose him and it's hard seeing him at work and watching him with his female clients. I just don't know how long I can keep working through this.

He's always so proud of his clients and going to that fitness show a couple weeks ago just made it so much more difficult. He kept saying over and over how proud he was of her and I've never gotten that. I'm his girlfriend and can't remember him ever saying he was proud of me. He left my college graduation early to go to a rec. softball game. I know I need to get over it, but with all of this going on, I can't get it out of my head. That was such a huge milestone and he left, he walked out. All the horse shows I did last year, he came to two of them. It make me so upset when I think about this and then he tells me the he "loves me and that I'm being ridiculous" but am I? I just don't know where to go or what to do from here...

What the written word means to me

2011-05-26T13:40:00.003-05:00

I've always been a fan of handwriting instead of typing. Even throughout college, I always wrote my papers on lined paper before I started to type them (and trust me, I had A LOT of papers to write). I feel as though the words and thoughts I'm trying to convey to either myself or an audience come more clearly by seeing the words appear from my fingertips. I love seeing my thoughts flow across the paper from my hand. It's as though my heart and soul are asking my brain to talk to my hand and the only thing needed to complete the process is a pen and ink - a simple object that can bring thoughts to life. An object we tend to take for granted, but if a pen didn't exist then how would we be able to translate our thoughts (other then speaking)?

Whenever I have something important or emotional to say, I always write everything I'm going to say down first. Now, most of the time they're incomplete sentences because I write how I think, sometimes bullet points and sometimes I'll write a letter to the person I'm addressing and read that. Words on paper have a whole different meaning then speaking. When I read something that was created personally for me, I see that as being for forever. They're there, in front of me, tangible, I can read and re-read and even when the paper starts to wear from holding it and reading it so many times, I always feel something pulling at my heart.

People say that once a word is spoken, you can never really take it back, you can try to forget it, but if it has left a mark, you will remember everything about when and how that word (or sentence) is spoken. The same goes for the written word, once a word is written, it can be erased and deleted, sure, but the imprint is still there, the thought behind the written word, questions as to what made this word show itself will always linger.

As I was handwriting this post, an idea popped into my head and I realized why I was so afraid of being honest with myself in my journal. My journal, which should be a safe place to fill my thoughts and for only my eyes to see, is filled with partial truths. When things get hard or I'm ashamed of my thoughts and feelings, instead of writing them down and looking at them, I find myself avoiding my journal. I want to write everything down, but by writing them out, it's out there, it's no longer kept inside. I can go back and reread what I felt and feel ashamed or disappointed in myself all over again. I can share and think about all of my fears, thoughts, disappointments, accomplishments, within myself, but writing them down? Well that just makes them real.

I do struggle with admitting and coming to terms with some of the things in my life, and because I can't admit them to myself, I can't admit them to anyone. I'm trying to change that, but it's so hard to be honest with yourself sometimes.

quick update...

2011-05-23T13:36:00.002-05:00

It certainly has been a while since my last post and I think that's because I have had no idea what to write. I've logged on from time to time hoping that something would come to me that would be worthwhile writing, but nope. My greatest hurdle to over come right now is basically what to do with my future. I'm studying for the LSAT (since my brilliant idea 3 months ago was to go to law school) but as I think about how I could possibly make it work out, it becomes so overwhelming. I know I should have gone right after I graduated from undergrad but with my family falling apart and financial constraints, I couldn't see a clear enough path that would provide me the confidence to move forward. Even right now, the path is so overgrown and rocky, it's intimidating.

I've spoken to a couple of different people hoping someone would give me some advice, but I think what I've been looking for is for someone to tell me what to do. After all, when we can't make up our minds, we look to someone else to make the decision for us, that way, if we fail miserably, it's not completely our fault - but no one can make this decision for me. Luckily my course instructor for the test prep gave me some sound advice: "study hard, take the exam, see how you do, and move from there". Pretty good advice, now why couldn't I come up with that? There's no hurt in applying and if I get in and defer a year, okay...but at least I can say I have options.

My one worry is getting in to the law school of my dreams (or at least close to it...I don't think Harvard is a possibility), and then what? I have responsibilities: rent, car insurance, a full time job, bf.... We would have to give up the apartment, and being in law school full time (part-time is not an option, I've already tried to work that one out) only allows a part time job of 15 hours/week (nerve racking!). I've spoken to the bf about it and while he says we'll work it out, I believe oh, 20% of that.

Another option is working towards my teaching certification. If I can't go to law school, I would really like to teach high school English, but that's an even rougher position to get into. Especially with all the cut backs and economic downfall, are school districts really going to give a job to someone who's working towards the Alternate Route? I think not.

So this is just a quick update, I will try to write a little more in depth and interesting at some point this week.

Frustration and Life

2011-03-24T14:00:00.004-05:00

So going off my last post, the more I sit here, the more frustrated I become. I don't know when this all started happening but I have noticed it a lot more over the past few months. I am frustrated with my current job situation, frustrated with my relationship and frustrated that I'm still sick and it's making me feel like this. I know you shouldn't compare yourself or your situations to someone else's, but sometimes I just can't help it. They don't even have to be people I know, just people I see and I'm instantly comparing myself to what I think their relationship is like from seeing them to mine. There have been a lot of things, especially over the past few days, where I wonder if it's all worth it. Everything has changed so much and they have been changes that I didn't expect to happen. Changes with how I feel and how I view things. I have no idea what I am doing or going with my life and that's fine, I just wish the rest of my life was on somewhat solid ground.

I feel as though in my relationship, we've totally lost the connection. It's to the point now where I think about how I'm going to be disappointed next as opposed to when I'm going to be happy next. Things are acknowledged but never talked about again and there is never a difference afterwards. We never go out anymore, it's just time spent watching tv and frankly I'm getting pretty bored with that and with the relationship. Relationships for me have always made things better, they've always been something that makes me look forward to what's to come next. I always start to get like this when I'm having doubts, and I am. There's nothing for me to hold on to, it was all so different and exciting before and now I feel like he's just settling and I'm not that kind of a person. I'm just getting frustrated because I see now that my therapist was right and then when my mother states her opinion, it freaks me out because...she is ALWAYS right in the end...and if she is, then it will make me very sad. My mother suggested that I sit down with him and tell him what was going on and my thoughts about our relationship. So I went home and wrote down everything I wanted to say and get off my chest and we did have a talk, I just wasn't able to talk about everything I needed to. So how do I start again? How do I bring it up and tell him everything that's bothering me more so than what we talked about the other night.

My second frustration is basically what I summed up in my last post. Law School. And the decision to go or not. I really have no idea what I want to do with my life. I think I really want to teach either high school or college, so then why am I pushing myself to go to law school? Frankly because I think law school will be way more interesting than grad school - but that's just my opinion. Luckily, I can apply to most grad schools with my LSAT scores, so let's hope I do well. I just definitely know I don't want to be doing what I'm doing for the next 10 years.

I just wish things would work out the way they're supposed to. I know that everything happens for a reason, but I really want to be in my relationship and I really want to go back to school I just don't know if I can deal with all the problems in the relationship nor do I know which kind of degree I want to get. I'm just so incredibly frustrated. :(

Decisions, Life Decisions

2011-03-23T14:45:00.002-05:00

Making them, facing them, creating them, they're never fun and I'm a pro at avoiding them - until they sneak up on me. I over think ALL THE TIME, I over analyze and I try to think of all the possibilities and then I get myself in trouble. You see when I over think, and over analyze, my imagination likes to make the best of it, it's almost like a brain buster and it just enjoys fabricating things in my brain. Now, I'm not saying that my imagination is a bad thing, it's proven to be very useful and I enjoy endulging in something creative often - just not when I need my brain to focus on the task at hand. Often times when I start to think of something, I get carried away. It's all fine and dandy until I'm convincing myself that something happened or that someone did this or that, and this was their motive and they don't really care (no I'm not just talking about someone is particular).

Well luckily the decision I'm trying to make isn't doing that this time, it's not letting my imagination get the best of me. It's because this decision is serious, it's not something that can be messed around with. I have to make a decision and stick with it, once I commit, I have to give everything to it since it will affect the rest of my life.

My initial decision to attend law school gave me options. It's providing me with opportunities that I wouldn't have otherwise, but as I'm studying for the LSAT's and going to the LSAT class twice a week, I sit here and think, is this what I really want? I honestly don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm an English major, I love to read and write and ride horses....so where is this going to take me? Well so far it's taken me into the real world and handed me a title that says "assistant" somewhere. I know I do not want to do this for the rest of my life and it's nothing against the people I work with or the place itself, it's just not for me. I need challenges and stimuli, I need responsibilites and deadlines. I enjoy working on things down to the wire, I love reading to find the meaning behind the meaning, but can that support me through life? Chances are...no.

So law school, I still like the idea and have always been interested in law, but what I'm worried about now is working full time and attending school part time. I hate the fact that I'm restricted on where I apply (there are only two school in this state that offer law school part time) and that I'm stuck here. I do love it here, I think if I ever left I'd always wind up coming back, but just the fact that I HAVE to stay here is driving me crazy. There's also the work load, I'm really nervous about attending class four nights a week after work and commuting to wherever I'm accepted. But my only other option is full time and how are the bills going to be paid? Also, I really don't like the idea of graduating with a whole boat load of student loans, talk about stress. Do any of you readers have suggestions? Have you been in similiar shoes? I'd appreciate any comments.

Danger: The Gym

2011-02-22T13:03:00.007-06:00

The post below is something that is very personal to me. I have been debating as I've been writing this whether or not to post it but it's written, so here it is.

I've never been self-conscious about my body or how I look until recently. I don't want to blame anyone for my feeling this way, it is my fault and it's in my head and I've created this insecurity on my own. I let what other people say affect me and it's turning into something more than what I bargained for. Dating and living with a personal trainer has definitely caused these insecurities to surface, of course they have to be there in the first place, but they've been appearing more and more.

People talk about their jobs, it's something that consumes most of our week but when the person you're closest to has a job that involves the human body, it opens a whole new jar. It's the little comments that while many women may find offensive, I try to keep reminding myself that it's his job, he looks and alters bodies for a living - but I'm now beginning to see how much it's been affecting me. I'm exhausted, I did a leg work out last night and about half way through my first set, I was shaking, shaking to the point where I was getting close to the feeling of passing out...but I kept going and finished 45 minutes later. I called my mom and she advised me to take a day off and most people may feel guilty for a few seconds and then get over it but I've been feeling guilty since I spoke with her last night. She's right, I do need a break, but I have that little voice that keeps telling me to keep going, that taking a day off will do so much damage. Most people have to force themselves to get up and go to the gym, I'm at the point where I need to force myself to not go to the gym.

Living with a personal trainer constantly has me wondering if I look okay, does he still want to be with me even if I'm not as fit as a few of his clients that are my age? It honestly makes me feel like I'm just not as fit or as thin as his clients, who out of about 10 clients - 2 are men. One of them in particular he talks about a lot since she's doing a fitness show and they do at least 3-4 work out sessions a week and a couple posing sessions. As humans, we are so quick to compare ourselves and judge others appearances (some of us try not to, but we slip up) so try having one of your boyfriend's clients be your age and all he can talk about is how great she looks. Or, my favorite, when he points out the areas that I carry "water weight" in, mostly my stomach and upper arms, in case you were wondering.

So out of all this, I am obsessed with going to the gym and the worst part is that I go at least 4-5 days a week and feel as though I haven't seen any improvements. I feel disgusting sometimes. If I eat a piece of bread or have a slice of pizza I feel so fat. I'm obsessed with my body image and it's totally freaking me out. I've NEVER been like this before and I think it's escalated since I moved in with my personal-trainer-boyfriend. I'm not to the point where I'm going to starve myself, but I constantly hate myself if I eat something that's not completely healthy.

The sadest thing is that when I met him (he asked me out after my last training session with him) if I was 20 pounds heavier, we wouldn't be together because his initial attraction his physical and if I was overweight, he'd just be nice to me. I think knowing that, I have this underlying fear that if I were to gain any weight to the point that he notices that he would just walk away. And I know I should just tell myself that if that happens then it wasn't meant to be, and I do believe that, it just upsets me that could be the reason why he would leave.

I want to say that he hasn't ever commented on my weight, it's more of telling me that "I really should go to the gym" or "this is why you don't see results" (as I'm about to eat a Pillsbury baked biscuit) or just in constantly talking about how dedicated his clients are and talking about other female members at the gym and how their bodies is changing. I have become obsessed with going to the gym and it's to the point now where I feel as though if I don't go and I just go home and relax one day, that I'm not working hard enough, or dedicated enough like his clients. People constantly tell me how the can see how much he loves, but when someone's job revolves around checking out other people's bodies (especially females), I just never feel like my physical appearance is good enough.

I hate feeling like this, I hate being obsessed with going to the gym and feeling as though if I take one day off that I loose everything and look like a whale.

I think I'm going to force myself to not go to the gym today. I have to.

Happy Valentine's Day (or Single Awareness Day)!

2011-02-14T15:28:00.002-06:00

So today's Valentine's Day and while Chris and I have decided not to "celebrate" it, he still surprised me with a beautiful present. Even everyone in the office is in a good mood, I think that regardless of what people view Valentine's day as, I can't help but notice that majority of everyone is in a good mood. I feel the love everywhere! Granted I also have my absolutely amazing boyfriend to come home to today (usually he's at work).

And on that note, I want to take this second to apologize to him and to myself. I've been a mess, depressed, upset, angry and I take it all out on him and he doesn't deserve it. He always tries to make me feel better and I just get even more angry with him. I know I'm doing it but I don't know how to let it go. The hardest part is that I see how much it hurts him and he just doesn't know what to do. He's an incredible person and I wish that I could just be as happy with everything in my life as I am with him. I hate feeling like this and I hate the way I make him feel. Recently I've just been very insecure with myself and I know it has a lot to do with the way I view myself - inward and outward and I don't know how to fix it.

I have this great guy and awesome apartment, I have a full time job and yet I'm still unhappy. I have figured out that it's everything going on in my life - Chris doesn't have anything to do with my unhappiness and he still stays with me through my craziness. I need to find that happiness in everything, I think the sun and warm weather giving us a glimpse of Spring is helping. I need to stop letting little things bother me and remember how awesome the few things in my life are. I need to have faith and believe that things will work out, that everything will be okay and I won't feel like this forever.

I am a happy person, I am in love and I just need to remember all of this - and keep reminding myself every single day. Take deep breaths and have faith.

Where does our inspiration come from?

2011-02-04T15:01:00.004-06:00

With my old but rejuvenated interest in art recently, I've been thinking about this question a lot lately. I've always loved art - whether it's creating it, reading about it, looking at it, writing about it, there's just something about art that makes me feel alive. The SR course that I'm taking is all about that, seeing art in a different light, looking deep within yourself to find you and accepting yourself and those around you for who they are. Art is expression, it is peace, freedom, love, it's everything and it's everywhere.

So back to my question: Where does our inspiration come from? For me, it came from a complete stranger telling me to just keep going, to not give up when it seemed difficult and to find time for it - for myself. Her name is Melody Ross and she is the co-founder of the Brave Girls' Club and this amazing Soul Restoration course. Without realizing it, she has helped me in so many ways. Although I did not acknowledge this last night, as I look back I realize that I needed to feel as though my whole world just fell a part. I did, I fell into so many pieces that I'm still picking them back up. Chris and I were in an argument over something juvenile, but you know how it goes, one of us gets upset over something stupid the other one did and then that person's mad because the other person's mad and it's just a vicious cycle of being mad "until we get home". But that's neither here nor there because I ended up sliding on ice, winding up partially under Chris' car. I was so angry, furious at him for everything and as I sit here typing, I'm still mad at him. Anyway, I went right to the shower sat on the shower floor and cried. I haven't cried to the point of sobbing in a long time and maybe that's exactly what I needed.

I need to stop letting people's words affect how it makes me feel. I know they're not true, but I think I get upset because I feel as thought that's how they view me. And when I'm upset, all of my inspiration and braveness goes out the window. I need to make time for the art, I need to make time for me to be happy and slowly work on being happy every day. I love all of the art projects and I bought a few canvases that I'd like to try making something with, but I have to put in the time and I think once I do that, I will be a little bit happier each day.

That's just it though...time. Where does it go? From the time I leave the house in morning for work until I get home at 8:00pm after going right to the gym, I'm tired. I know I need to stop running myself all over the place, but I feel like I'll fall a part if I don't have a schedule...and then I feel so guilty when I don't go to the gym. Like sooooo incredibly guilty. And why is that? I have no idea, I think it's because I do have insecurities (and while I will not mention what they are here, I will just say that I have them) and dating a personal trainer does not make it any easier. Melody keeps telling us that we should not compare ourselves to anyone else, and I agree with her 100%. We are who we are and there's a reason why everyone is different...if everyone was the same then we'd all just get so bored of one another. Comparing ourselves to other people is human nature...and it sucks. I hate comparing myself to others and I know I'm doing it, but I still keep doing it. But it's not with everyone, it's only when I feel threatened or my relationship feels threatened (there I said it). I feel like a big part of it is that as humans, we find it so incredibly hard to trust - to trust other people but more specifically to trust ourselves. If we trusted what was in our heart, our soul, if we believed in ourselves, we wouldn't feel the need to compare ourselves to what others have or what they look like and we'd be able to trust other people more.

Believing in ourselves is one of the hardest things to do. When we believe in ourselves, we let go of the vulnerability, the insecurity, the hurt, the loneliness and sometimes we're dropped on our asses and handed more boundaries to overcome but each time we're dropped, it brings us closer to the end result, the realization, the path you're supposed to take. It's hard to see it when it happens, but when the hurt and confusion end, the path becomes a little less messy and the sun shines a little brighter. Just hang on and believe that you will feel uplifted and happy and at some point, you will stop comparing yourself to others. For me, this is what I'm working really hard on and is it working? We'll find out.

All I'm asking is for you to be considerate and kind, can you do that for me?

2011-02-02T11:00:00.004-06:00

Well it's been awhile since I've been here and quite honestly, I just had no idea what to write. I didn't want to fill a post with useless thoughts, sporadically placed down the page, and all of you wondering where the heck I was going with it. I think today I have a clearer sense of what to write about so we'll see.

So, if any of you are from New Jersey, you know that most of the state was hit with a massive ice storm last night and here I am at work. I was going to call out, but I don't want to keep using up my vacation days - lets save them for the nicer weather. I have a beautiful view from outside my office window so that brings me some peace as I try and make it through the rest of the day. This is what I think about every morning when I wake up at 7:30am - how I'm going to make it through the day. Complaining about my issues here is not going to solve it, I know what I have to do in order to fix it, I just have to be patient and wait - be thankful that unlike most college graduates, I have a job.

I've been working on the Soul Restoration projects for the past 3 weeks now, and this week is number 4. Many of the women who are taking the course have had all of these awesome breakthroughs and I honestly can't help but feel like something is wrong with me. I haven't had a breakthrough and to be quite honest, I don't feel that much different. I just want to be happy, I don't want to be upset, I don't want to get upset at the little things, I want to figure out what I want for myself and for my life. Part of this class is listening to your TruthTeller, which could be anything. It's the quiet voice inside you that helps you make your life's decisions. I'm trying so hard to hear her, which is weird because I typically hear and try to listen to her all the time. There is one thing that I can't determine: if I'm thinking it up and trying to believe it, or if she's really telling me the truth about the situation and I'm just avoiding it. I feel like I am avoiding it but to what cost?

I don't want this to seem as though my life is miserable and that I'm miserable all the time, because I'm not. Most of the time I love everything about my life, but recently I find myself keeping quiet, afraid to let anyone hear me or stir anything up. I've never been like this, afraid to speak up and make myself heard. I think this may be due to the issues I have with my job that are definitely affecting my relationship and the rest of my life. I'm honestly tired. That's what I am, just tired. I'm feel like I've become a housewife to some extent and I'm not even married! I don't mind cleaning, because I am a totally neat/germ freak. I like the feeling of a clean apartment with everything neat and orderly, so I don't mind doing that for an hour on the weekend. It's the rest of it. It's making dinner all the time, dinner that I don't even eat that night but have to make it anyway and then cleaning the dishes and food shopping and laundry on top of that. So why don't I speak up? Because it's easier to do it myself. Why don't I just say no? Because I feel bad, but then when it's made and not eaten because someone else gave food, it makes me upset. Seriously, don't ask me to do something if your not going to follow through.

I need to learn to say NO. I need to learn to just not do something if I really don't want to do it. I need to learn to not let things upset me. I need to remember that while I'm in a relationship, I am still single me (single in the means of I don't HAVE to do the things the other person is capable of himself). If I don't want to make dinner one night, then why do I feel obligated to when I'm the one who's doing everything anyway? I need to be brave and strong.

If any of you have made it through this post till now, please take some of my advice and really think about it. Be considerate, be kind, think about the other person and how they feel. It's so hard when it's just one person doing that and when you're the kind and considerate person, you get tired. It makes me feel like this is all I'll ever be to that person and then after this, what's left? Someone that doesn't look like the person you wanted to be with, she did everything so there's really nothing to complain about, they're just looking for something different. I think this is my fear. My fear that I'm doing all of this but then the other person will just get bored and want something new, leaving me in the dust. I'm already left in the dust when it comes to certain things, and with that - that is when I fell worthless and not good enough. I need to stop letting that affect me, regardless of whether it's true or not, they are someone else's opinions of me.

Living with the person I love has taught me a lot in the month we've been living together. How I feel about it is that there will ALWAYS be the one person who cares more, who loves more, who's kinder, who's sympathetic and it hurts when it's not reciprocated. I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't want to be this person who is walked all over. I don't want to be this person that has had expectations put on them. I need to be the person who does things for me, while still thinking of the other person. I need to be the person who cares more about me and my soul and who I am. I am tired of being the person that is just expected to do something. I love surprises, I love to feel loved and I love when the person I love is considerate towards me. And now I think I've figured out what my TruthTeller has been trying to get me to listen to all along. I need to find what I am looking for and be brave enough to move away if need be.

I hope you all will ponder my advice, granted I'm not a psychologist nor someone you may even know, but I am person with feelings just like you and this is my story, my wishes, my thoughts and some of you may have similar ones. This is what I'm going to do, this is where I want to go and if you want to come along for the ride, fine, but clean your own damn dishes.

Don't mind the rambling...I have no idea where I was going with this.

2011-01-19T09:23:00.006-06:00

Well, it's been about two weeks since my last post and to be honest, I had no idea what to write about. I feel as though I keep reiterating myself on some of these posts, but I think that's because I hit a low point and then after feeling crappy for a few days, I try and talk myself out of it. I'm trying REALLY hard to be happy, but sometimes it's exhausting. I mean, I'm doing it for myself as well as Chris, so there's the guilt of being unhappy that goes along with it. I know it's not fair to him for me to be a grouch all the time, but now that we're living together, it's harder to hide it.

So being that it was his birthday today, I'm genuinely happy. Happy times always make me happy, how could they not? Now to make this day even better: I'd rather not be at work and instead celebrate my favorite person's birthday :).

On another note, I started this online class called "Soul Restoration" through the Brave Girls Club. It's...AWESOME, INCREDIBLE, and will hopefully be LIFE CHANGING. I've had some pretty tiresome days, days where I'm just psychologically exhausted, days where my views are extremely pessimistic and I'm hoping that this class will change all of that. This class is about expressing ourselves and trying to be truthful to ourselves and our souls. We're revisiting our past and a lot of the women who are taking this class are finding it difficult. Honestly, it's extremely difficult to look back on the past. The past is the past, it's been forgotten about, buried deep within ourselves, and that's mostly the problem. We've spent so much time burying our emotions and our memories, whether they were good memories or not, that we haven't learned to forgive - haven't learned to accept what happened and moved on. I'm finding for myself, that finding my "truthteller" the being that knows exactly who I am, has seen the decisions and the mistakes I've made has been the most difficult part. As I posted this question in the class forum, a few of the women who responded where very insightful and helped me understand what it is I may be looking for. I think that what I'm looking for is to just be happy with myself but for some reason I'm afraid of that. I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, yet I still look for something wrong, then I fabricate it in my mind and then I get upset and can't look at him. Well, it wasn't his fault, I did it, I made something up in my head and convinced myself that I should be upset...just ridiculous.

Well, this is kind of an abrupt way to end this post, but I lost my train of thought and instead of rambling, I'll just end it and start a new one when I think of something clever to write.

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”

2011-01-05T10:14:00.004-06:00

I'm sure many of you have had days where they start out like a perfectly normal day. Feeling great, content with everything and then some time throughout the day, that feeling just turns a 180 on you...well, that was my day yesterday. Ironically, I believe my post from yesterday or possibly the day before, had a completely different tone...I'm not biopolar, just moody I guess. But as my perfectly normal day began, it ended much differently and I woke up this morning hanging onto a little piece of yesterday. But, being a part of a very prestigious University, things happen, things that we do not understand and these things stay with me.

Being a recent college graduate myself, my job is a perfect fit. My position involves interaction with graduate students who are under very demanding timelines and many of them are trying to make the world a better place. They are all absolutely wonderful people and our conversations consist of everyday things and I love being a part of that. Unfortunately, being close in age to many of these graduate students, things that happen affect me on similar scale. Now while I do not know many (actually most of them) on a personal basis, things that occur within the graduate population still affect me more than I realize. While I will not discuss exactly what caused me to write this post, it is something that has been weighing on my mind since yesterday afternoon and I would like to share the conclusion that I've been grappling with.

There are so many times in life where sometimes you think "I give up" or you say it out loud, you throw your hands in the air or you just get plain pissed off. Now, typically it's just in reference to small things, like opening a jar of tomato sauce or trying to work through a difficult puzzle, even dealing with the long wait for customer service on the phone - but you never mean "I give up" literally or to the extent that you would do something drastic. If I can't open that jar of tomato sauce, I'll wait for Chris to get home or have my sister do it, and the difficult puzzle? well I'll also ask Chris for help with that too. After thinking about it, we're not giving up, we're just looking for alternative ways to get it done...a solution to the problem so to say. It is so important to admit to yourself that you sometimes need help. There is nothing to be ashamed about and many people are ready to lend a hand.

It is also so important to be aware of the people you're close with. Try and take notice of who they are: are they having a bad day, do they need someone just to listen, are they themselves, struggling with something. Sometimes it just takes one person to notice them to make all the difference. To let them know that there is someone thinking of them and that you are concerned. Sometimes I just need someone to sit next to me, I don't need you to say anything, I just need to feel you there.

New beginnings, new chapters, a New Year

2011-01-03T10:24:00.003-06:00

Wow, I cannot believe that 2010 is over and 2011 has just begun. So many things happened this past year and I must say, they were all pretty good. Over the weekend, I watched as my facebook news feed updated every so often with my "friends" statuses, telling the world whether they had happy thoughts of 2010 or were just glad it was over and many of them - well they are glad it's over, but me? Sure I've had plenty of ups and downs (more downs I would say after looking at my blog posts) but the ups were just as significant. I guess my new year (or new chapter) started the day after Christmas, December 26. Since that day, it's been one week since Chris and I moved to our lovely apartment and wow is it awesome. We absolutely love it, sure the couches not fitting through the front door, Chris' hand getting smushed, the blizzard of 2010 causing a state of emergency, all happened on that day...but looking back on it, we made it and I didn't expect anything different.

2010 proved to be a lot of firsts for us and myself. Our first date on January 15, 2010 (which I look back and remember the exact moment he asked me to be his date for his birthday party the following weekend - and I believe I'm the only one who actually remembers 90% of that birthday)...followed by our first holiday spent together: Easter, where I met majority of the family that I will be seeing for every major holiday thereafter (and I aboslutely love all of them). Then it was our first summer, which was exactly 6 months into our relationship and unleashed a long rollercoaster of arguments that happened late at night. These arguments were the cause of emotional walls that shot up and brought tears, and yet, we stuck through it all because we were THAT determined and we knew that we both wanted to be together. After the summer rough patch, our arguments turned into disagreements that consisted of miscommunication for about 5 minutes and were then forgoten about (should I mention that during this 6 month mile stone in our relationship, I landed my first full time job in August, after graduating from college back in May and while I'm so thankful for my job, the days I spent studying in the library and going to class are ones that I miss dearly). As the seasons changed and warm weather turned to cold and snow, we spent our first Christmas together (which happened at the end of the first year of our relationship). Christmas was amazing, it was quiet and filled with our families. Then, the following day began a new chapter in our relationship: moving into our first apartment. Unsure of how it was going to go and how we would adjust to living with one another has proven to be a success! (for the first week).

And now, at the closing of our first year, we celebrated our first New Year's together: went to dinner, came home, watched the ball drop, asleep by 12:30 - it was perfect.

Through the midst of it all and looking back on everything now, I really am genuinely happy. The stress will come and go and my feelings for certain things in my life will waiver but looking back on all that I've accomplished and where I am today, I must say I couldn't have asked for more (well, more snow would always be nice). As for Chris, even though he's still the one person that can aggravate me at times, I wake up in the morning and know that I love him that much more.

Emotions round 2

2010-12-21T12:51:00.003-06:00

Since yesterday, I feel like everything is spiraling out of control....again. But one amazing thing happened last night that made me so grateful to be able to experience it. I set my alarm for 2:32 a.m. and willed myself to get out of bed, just so that I could put on my fuzzy slippers and jacket, to walk outside in 20 degrees weather to see the lunar eclipse. I've never seen one before, I'm usually in asleep by the time they tell you it's happening, but this was beautiful and of course I'm paying for the interrupted sleep now. And I don't know if this is the cause of my haywire emotions or if it's something else but I'm having a hard time dealing with things today.

I thought everything was getting better. I was dealing with the things that make me unhappy, figuring out ways to not let things bother me, but sometimes it all comes crashing down once again. The reason? Because I have to think and analyze EVERYTHING.

It started off last night when a friend of mine told me that someone I know has always had this certain type of reputation...a reputation I was unsure existed and now that I know, really bothers me. In just one sentence my entire view of that person completely changed and that, of course changes everything. I know that the rule of thumb is that you should take what people say with a grain of salt, but the thing is, I can see it...I can see why this person has this reputation and I think knowing it's true makes it more difficult to take. The worst part, is that I can't help but think that because this person has had this "reputation" for so long, they'll never change. At this point, I just don't know what to do or make of it. This also makes me question so many other things as well, which of course makes me more upset.

To top it off, I am so tired of people expecting me to keep my mouth shut about things when I was never asked to do so in the first place. I mean obviously I'm not going to go around blabbing things that shouldn't be said, because it will always affect someone, but I mean come on. I'm tired of being dragged into the middle of things that don't have anything to do with me to begin with and after saying numerous times that I don't want to get wrapped up in it. But of course friends are different...when they need me, I'm there and if they tell me something in confidant then I would never say anything. But please don't make me feel like shit because you neglected to be a bigger person and do the right thing. I am done with letting people make me feel bad because of something they did...it's your fault and you're mad at me because you know what's right and what's wrong. I don't understand why it's so difficult for people to take responsibility for their lives and the things around them. Grow up. Stop acting like a child and do something with yourself. It's not my fault, so stop walking all over me.

Unfortunately, this is all much easier said then done...chances are, I will still get upset when you blame me for things, I will still get upset when you make it my fault, I will still get upset when you say mean things but that's me, so try to be more considerate, but the chances of that happening though? Slim. Very very slim.

Christmas time last year...

2010-12-15T09:40:00.007-06:00

As I sit at my desk, listening to Christmas music, wondering if they're ever going to fix the heat situation so my fingers don't feel like Popsicles, I think ahead to what the upcoming weeks hold. It's hard to imagine what is going to happen and to plan on something, because most of the time it never turns out the way you expect it to. Regardless of whether it's good or bad, things happen that you could never have thought would happen. Circumstances changed and you're faced with figuring things out right then and there. Don't get me wrong, it's so important to have a plan - a rough sketch of what you would like to accomplish or possibly see yourself. When you have that general idea, piece by piece you will work on getting to where you want to be and in that process of doing so, you might surprise yourself and find something else that's worth reaching for.

After I came to this realization, I now look back on past years: memories of this time of year and pictures that scroll as my screen saver and it always amazes me how much things have changed. The people you spent holiday's with year after year have some how slowly dispersed and after thinking of the memories and all the people, there are always those select few who stand out in my mind. Good, bad, in between, but for some reason they have left a mark on my life. Each Christmas season I do the same thing and every Christmas I am thankful for the people that I have in my life, and typically they're always different then the prior year with a few regulars in the mix.

As we get older and create new chapters in our life, we fill them with new memories and new people. Looking back on where I was this time last year, I still remember how I felt - I was happy, finishing the fall semester, going to see the Rockefeller Christmas tree and just going through the motions of life and getting ready to graduate from college. I never would've expected our foreseen where I am now: another year older with a full time job, an amazing boyfriend who I'm moving in with and I'm pretty sure I'm happier than I was last year.

So I think I've learned to just be patient; this year is different than last year, this month is different than last month, so instead of remembering the past, we should always try to look forward to the future because it WILL be different. We may be at the same job, living in the same house, may or may not be with the same person, but we WILL be different. We will view the world a bit differently, we will find solutions to our problems differently and we will be okay. If we can just keep moving forward, we'll get where we're supposed to be.

11 months later, I am right where I'm supposed to be with the person I'm supposed to be with...who'd a thought?

How to be amazing...

2010-12-08T10:55:00.005-06:00

I was reading a friend of mine's blog earlier, and she asked everyone to comment on how they go out into the world to be amazing and happy. What obstacles in your life have you overcome or are face to face with right now, forced to either run away and hide from or to take it for what it is and make it better. I must say, last week I was miserable...angry at the world... and no matter how hard I tried to think about what I was thankful for, to just be happy that I am where I am, just made me more upset. Now, with a clear head I look back on last week and while a part of me still feels the same way, I'm trying so so hard to look at the positive side and think about all of the exciting things that are about to happen over the next couple weeks.

In this economy, people are out of jobs, recent graduates are unable to secure anything, and here I am, a recent graduate with a decent paying job, and I am miserable. And I wonder, did I set myself up for this way back in May? When I was dreading graduation because that meant entering the workforce (if I could find a job). But there is always that one thing or person that can completely ruin something for you. It ruins everything, it makes your day so much harder to get through. You sit at your desk thinking "I need to be happy, I should be happy, I have opportunities that not many people have, so why can't I just deal with it and stop letting it affect me". The answer? It's because the harder you try, the more expectations your have for yourself. You get through one day and you think okay one down, four more to go until the weekend and then it's Sunday - your awesome weekend is ruined the moment you wake up and think: I have to go back. So should I account my feelings to the period of my life where finals and books were all I cared about? No, I don't think so, it just comes to one of my nightmares about real life finally became my life.

I really don't know how I'm going to cope with it, when I try to talk about it, I just get things I don't want to hear and yes, they're things that are dead on, I realized them a while ago but that is not what I need to hear right now. Just listen. Listen and understand. Don't speak, just comfort. At least I'm acting on it and not just sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

So back to the title and whole point of this blog: How to be amazing. Look at yourself, think of all the things in your life that make you happy, that make you feel amazing: you're favorite pair of jeans, an awesome dress, your boyfriend/girlfriend, husband or wife, your dog, your horse, your family, your favorite color...anything and focus in on all of that happiness. Then, the things or people in your life that bring out the worst in you won't be able to affect you as much. I know it's hard, and my experience will only better if I remove myself from the situation and I'm working on it. Regardless of whether I wind up going where I'm trying to pave that particular path or I keep trying different paths, at least I kow I'm trying to make it better. I'm NOT giving up.

So, I think that is how to be amazing: don't give up, don't let the things in your life that aren't that great weigh you down: sort it out, think it through, come up with a plan and GO. Life is too short to live in unhappiness and plus when we're happy other's will see it. So take today and put everything aside and just BE HAPPY.

Dream big and accomplish what you've set out to do...

2010-12-03T14:52:00.004-06:00

Instead of writing down what makes me unhappy and miserable, I decided that this post will be about everything I'm grateful for. Everyone should try this, think about what you want to make room for in your heart, your life, your relationships. Dream big and try to accomplish as many goals as you possibly can. So here I go:

First, what I want to make room for is happiness and joy. I want to make room for art and books, my pen and paper. I want to make room for love and seeing the better side of things. I want to make room for all of the happiness that people spread all over. Now that I have that down here are a FEW things/people that I am grateful for:

I am so grateful for my sister. Without her, I never would've discovered what it felt like to be a role model and to look after someone. She can make the crappiest day so much better and makes me laugh with her silly words. She has the most genuine heart and has so many friends - everyone loves her, she's someone you just want to be around. She only sees the best in people and believes in her friends and her family - that they can be the best they can be. We've both gone through so much together over the last few years and while we hardly got a long since we were little, something has changed and she truly has become my best friend.

I am grateful for my mother, who put me through school and supported me in the thing I love most in this world, riding horses. She has always believed that I can do anything I set my mind to, and typically uses that against me to teach me that I must make my own decisions. I've chosen some pretty overgrown paths over the past few months, paths I'm still paving and trimming, waiting on how they're going to pan out - but she has helped me create them so that they can continue to lengthen and I can keep moving forward.

I am grateful for my boyfriend, Chris. We've been together almost a year and he has stayed by my side through some of the most difficult chapters in my life so far. From graduating college, a divorce, my first full-time job and from my many ups and downs that have appeared over the last six months. He has continued to support me and be a shoulder to cry on through everything. He has become the only person (other than my sister) that I can rely on and trust to the furthest spot in space. His type A personality, that sometimes aggravates me to my core, is what holds us together through some of the toughest times. And our relationship is more than just that, we have never put pressure on each other, we've been going with the flow and things have been working out in such unexpected ways. The two things we expect from one another is communication and just accepting each other for who we are. He's such an awesome person and I wouldn't be able to picture my life without him.

I am grateful for my horses. The horses I have owned/leased/ridden, each one taught me something different about myself. Each one, having a different personality, taught me to be open minded, to never give up on someone or something, and to keep pursuing my dreams. They have always been such a big part of my life and I am not me without them.

Finally (even though I'm grateful for so much more, this post would go on and on and on), my friends. I am grateful to all of you. The new friends, the friends I've lost touch with, you're all such a HUGE part of my life and I love you all so much.

One last thought: Even in the toughest of times, when nothing seems to be going right, or all you can think of is everything that's become a burden try to take a deep breathe and remember everything in your life that doesn't make you want to scream and give up (or run to another country in my case). Whether it be the sun shinning, peppermint ice cream, the holiday spirit, just please try to remember the joyful things in life. Take a chance on something or someone, because when you take a chance you have no idea how that just changed your life. Everyone deserves to find happiness in their life and with the seasons changing and the greyness of the sky on some days, it may be hard to see the upside of things. But I promise you, just remember all the things that make you happy, where you've come from since last year, the people you have met throughout your life...each person you meet adds a little something to who you are: a self discovery, a change in how you view the world, a memory that makes you smile. So SMILE and be happy.

Trying to be brave

2010-12-01T12:43:00.005-06:00

Recently someone asked me to tell them about myself in an email...so, I tried. I wrote the opening sentence, said a few things, and then started the paragraph about myself...but as I continued to write, I realized that what I was writing had nothing to do with me. Finally, I accepted the fact that I have no idea who I am and no idea what to say (talk about depressing). I'm not boring (at least I don't think so) and I pretty easy to get along with, but I can't tell you WHO I AM, what makes me. I can say that I'm an equestrian, but that's just a title. I can say I like to read and write, but those are hobbies and while they all contribute to the things that make a person somebody, it's not entirely who I am.

How do we loose sight of the people we have become? How can we let ourselves go to the point where we just don't know ourselves anymore. For instance, I cry...all the time. I don't know when it started or why I do it, the only thing I do know is that I never used to...and now I do. I have become so sensitive to everything and everyone. The smallest thing upsets me (NO it's not PMS) and it affects me so much that I keep worrying an thinking about it. It comes like a thunderstorm and I just have to wait it out. Yes, it makes me feel and look like a complete idiot, that I'm crying about certain things, but I just sit back and wait until the puddles stop forming and then go on until the next wind blows.

I was one of those people who "had to go find themselves". I was a sophomore in college and thought that at the ripe age of 19 I was loosing grip on life and myself so...I went to Italy. After about a week there, I decided I was done finding myself but I still had 4 months and a week to go. I think I did find myself, I learned a little about what the real world holds, that it's not the nicest and sometimes when you're totally alone in a different country, you figure out what and who you are. You figure out what you can handle and can't handle. I began to see the world differently to look at things and really SEE them. Do you really SEE the small things in your life? The things that have gotten you to where you are now? I used to and I never wanted to loose that but I did and I'm fighting so hard to get it back.

Well, I found myself at 19 and now at 22 I feel as though I need to do it all over again. In two years so much has happened and affected me. I feel that if you're still in the same place where you've been affected by the life around you, then you'll just get sucked into the drama, dullness and unhappiness of it all. I don't want to be unhappy, I want to enjoy life (if not every day, most days )and all that it has to offer. But, the sad part is that it's more difficult for me to take off and escape to another country now, I can't just walk away from my problems and in the midst of it all, I am the only one who truly understands what I'm going through and how I feel. So, what am I going to do about it? Well, I'm sitting here trying to come up with ways to find myself in my current situation, without hopping on an airplane and going half way across the world. I have responsibilities, relationships, and bills so what is most economic and time friendly? When I figure it out I'll let you know.

I do try to wake up in the morning feeling grateful for everything that I have but there are days that just suck, are truly horrible, days when you wake up in the morning and are already saying "Shit, I haven't even taken a damn shower yet and I already feel like this" Yay! For this day is going to be a winner and my attitude is the blue ribbon that goes with the trophy.

These are days that I just want to go home and watch Christmas movies all day long. I love Christmas, I love the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I love Thanksgiving, but all this love cannot prevent the unforeseen shittiness that seems to pop up. The advice? Breathe, count to ten, start your day over. And after I listen to that, all I feel like saying is: Do you really think I want to start this day over? I'd rather be done with it, wake up in the morning and start a brand new day in hopes that I won't feel as crappy inside as the weather is outside.

So this is me, trying to start my day over, trying to find ways to forget about the small stuff and the drama and just keep moving forward, trying to figure out things that make me happy, to continue pushing forward: Doing things for me.

"I will try again tomorrow"...

2010-11-24T12:45:00.006-06:00

"Courage does not always roar. sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "i will try again tomorrow." {mary anne radmacher}

A lot of things have been happening in my life right now. They're not necessarily bad or depressing things, more like overwhelming. Have you ever experienced a period in your life like this? Where you're so overwhelmed that it's affecting how you think, your mood, your actions etc.? It's frustrating because most of the time I know I'm doing it but I can't make it stop and then it begins to affect my relationships with my friends, boyfriend, co-workers. But I can't figure out whether it's because we're hoping someone will reach out to us...or for someone to take notice of something that is going on in our lives...or for someone to just listen. My boyfriend (Chris) and I are moving in together and it feels like our lives are consumed about PSE&G, cable, figuring out what we need for the apartment, when to put the heat on (or should we even use heat), how we're going to get the ridiculous couch up the stairs, budgeting, yes, no, up, down, who's right, who's wrong, food from Shop Rite or Stop and Shop? Which ones cheaper? Gym memberships and cell phone bills, 5 minute showers, to use or not use the dishwasher, football or Brothers and Sisters (our solution to that one is two TV's, so one down 5,000 decisions to go)...and on and on it goes. But that's our life together, and even though we're stressed, we're excited and stressed together...but what about our closest friends who are going through some of the hardest times in their relationships? One final breakup, one getting rid of all the alcohol in the house, one moving out and breaking up. In the midst of our overwhelming list for our place, our friends are looking to us for help. All I want to do is help them, I wish I could give them sound advice, answers to their questions but the only thing I can tell them is that things will get better and tomorrow's a new day...which I continuously tell myself as little bits of me fall apart. I love my friends more than anything but I can't give them concrete advice with my head spinning like a cyclone and that just adds the overwhelming need for everything to be okay.

I happened to be on facebook earlier(okay, who just "happens" to be on facebook, but never-the-less) and a friend of mine posted a blog about a woman who is a wife and a mother to 5 and went through a traumatic experience at a young age and how she overcame every obstacle (I will let you read her story for yourself and will post the URL for the blog at the end of my post**). After reading such a touching story, I started to feel so foolish that I've been so wrapped up with my own issues, Chris and I moving in, my parent's divorce, my sister learning to be on her own, leaving everything I've known to try something new (which I've done before but this time it's not escaping to Florence, Italy for 6 months). But then I started looking around on the website. What I came across was something that instantly warmed me and made me feel that everything I'm going through are things that I can overcome. This website is created by two women (sisters) who are devoted to giving kindness, love, bravery, confidence and among so much more, to women across the world. They're known as the Brave Girls Club and they have every bit of braveness and all that goes with it. They are extroadinary women who are just like me but have a mission to make the world a better place with kind words and love.

Please check out their website and spend some time emersing yourself in their terrific blogs and learning what they're all about, they've touched my lif just as much as they've touched so many others.

www.bravegirlsclub.edu
http://bravegirlsclub.com/blog/?p=1411 - **blog you should check out

Piglet sidled up to Pooh... "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you."

2010-11-19T14:42:00.001-06:00

Regardless of how much you care for someone, it seems to me that they can never care enough. What some of us (or most of us) want is to be acknowledged, missed by the people who love us. When I've had a bad day, a text message, phone call, facebook message, card, something just to let me know that you're thinking of me is all that I'm asking from you - but that's me. "Treat others the way you would want to be treated". Often, people become comfortable in relationships and don't get me wrong, that's a good thing to an extent, but not to the point where you stop doing the little things you did in the beginning of the relationship. Those little things, while you may have been trying to impress or be on your best behavior, that's what made the grueling act of dating and getting to know someone worth while. When did I ever ask you to stop being nice? Do you remember, cause I don't.

Everything adds up. Them not coming by, playing video games when they ask you to come over. Perosnally, the only thing I want is for you to be nice and respect me. Like A.A. Milne says "to be sure of you". Are you the person I fell in love with or was that just a mask. Will things really change? Or will it happen for a week or two and then it's forgotten.

Just put yourself in the other person's shoes (I know I keep using sayings and quotes in this entry, but they fit). Maybe then you'll see how they're feeling and begin to understand their reasons. Then again, maybe you won't.

What does it mean to understand?

2010-11-17T21:41:00.005-06:00

Why do we allow other people to make us feel inconsequential. I know the phrase by Eleanor Roosevelt all too well: "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent", yet we still manage to let other people's words and actions take a toll on our emotions. I think it's just human nature, we feel with our hearts, our minds, our fingertips and whether we show it, are vulnerable more times than not. We have become so good at acting, using words to mask the way we feel and covering up the expressions our faces betray us with. I don't understand why it is so hard for some people who supposedly care about us so much to be so mean at times, saying things that sting in the deepest places of our soul. This causes us to feel inferior for the people who are closest to us and ones we care and love the most are the ones who cause the damage. We want them to acknowledge who we are, what we do, how we feel and even though communication is a major part of emphasizing all of those things, it won't work unless the opposing side listens and understands.

Understand. That's a word that everyone knows but do we know how to execute the meaning of that word? When someone is telling you something, it is our job as the listener to try to understand what they're saying. They're telling us for a reason and instead of forming an opinion or putting up a defensive shield - stop. take a breathe. and put yourself in their shoes for a minute or two. Try to figure out what they're trying to tell you, try to understand and comprehend their point of view on the matter at hand.

a work of art in more ways than one

2010-08-09T21:33:00.003-05:00

I just finished watching the movie, "Remember Me", and the ending definitely surprised me. For all of you who have yet to see it, I'm going to ruin the ending. At first, when I finally realized what was going on/going to happen, I literally stopped the movie and wasn't sure I'd be able to handle watching it. It wasn't gore nor horror or anything of the sort, it was more emotional, I felt my heart pause making me so anxious I could hardly breathe - but then all of the anxiety building up, I couldn't not finish it. So I sat down and pushed play. The anxiety eventually turned into the feeling of confusion, the same feeling I got exactly 9 years, 10 months and 29 days ago. I remember sitting in my eighth grade literature class waiting for my name to be called over the loud speaker letting me know my mom was in the office waiting for me. I remember the beep of the speaker and, assuming it was for me, began gathering up my things -well, it wasn't for me. Name after name after name was being called and within seconds teachers cell phones started vibrating. The principal interupted the name calling informing teachers and students not to turn on the news...that was an order. Rather, an "incident" occured in Manahattan and if teachers had loved ones who worked in the buisness district that they should get in contact with them immediately. After hearing that, sheer panic errupted. Finally, I heard my name, knowing what I was being called down for wasn't anything to me, but my teacher looked at me with sorrowful eyes telling me "everything was going to be ok". As I walked to the office, I saw mothers and fathers with tears crowding the hallway. Finally, I saw my mom with a look of sheer terror on her face rushing me to the car and as I got in, I thought why is she so upset? I'm only getting my tooth pulled. Little did I know, my dad was calling her, while we were sitting in the parking lot, saying that he wouldn't be coming home that night nor did he know when he would be, but that he loved us and he'd call when he could. That was the last time I heard his voice through my mother's ear for three days.

Now, I know my experience with this horrific event is no where near anything that someone else has gone through on that day and I am so very sorry for any of you that had. The only reason why I'm bringing this up is because this is something that was burried deep within me that was put there almost ten years ago and tonight it decided to surface...

Which brings me back to the movie and the reason for my post, the anxiety of possibly seeing it again whether or not is re-enacted or not is what caught hold of me and really bothers me. Because even though it's just a movie, it brings back memories of a day that none of us want to ever relive. A day where people were in places they have never been but for some reason were there. A day when you get up for school in the morning just like the other four days during the week and wind up home a few hours early listening to your parent/s on the phone with aunts, uncles, friends etc. But this movie made me think about everything that I've done in my life and want to do and what is stopping me. Robert Pattinson's character says "Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says you're no where near ready, but the other half says make [them] yours forever". And while I agree with what he's saying, I also think that whatever a person does is significant to them. The choices we make and the paths we choose make us who we are. The people in our lives are those that we have chosen to be there. Our closest friends are there because we trust them. Family is there because we love them and the members of the family that we've been careful to bond with has grown over the years because you share a blood relation (I'm just speaking personally). But I believe that friends are so incredibly special because there was a reason we were brought together and maintained a relationship throughout the years. Regardless of the reason there's is a special trust and love for each individual, one that cannot be duplicated. So, back to my whole interpretation of the message from this movie is that we really must treasure everything and everyone in our lives. I know for me, it's been an especially difficult year so far and while I have ended a very close friendship a few months ago, I still think back and wonder if doing that was really the best thing. I truly believe that the people in your life help shape you into the person you become and if you ever loose someone, you loose a part of yourself. The self that you were when around that person. The piece of your personality that they brought out in you. Every one of the people in your life is different from the next thereby adding a little piece of themselves to you and vice versa. A friend of mine was in a predicament a few weeks ago and when I finally saw her she told me that while in the midst of it all, she thought about what I would've done, which helped her make a difficult dicision. Knowing that the person I am and the friendship we have helped her make an important decision made me feel so incredibly special. Wherever your life takes you remember the people in your life because they are with you wherever you go, deep inside the space that is filled with the piece they left you and this, all of those tiny pieces puzzled together - has created a masterpiece...YOU.

2010-07-20T17:22:00.000-05:00

Well this is my first post and instead of giving some apology for how boring it may be or what not, you can read it or skip to the next one but I'm just in an irritated mood at the moment so here goes. I'm sitting here as a re-run of Gilmore Girls is on in the background. It's the episode where Rory drops out of Yale and begins to work with her grandmother. And honestly, the more I listen to the ridiculous comments going on about Rory being a "woman of mystery and intrigue" the more it annoys me. Granted it's just a TV show but come one. Being a recent graduate from Rutgers, I am under the constant stress of realizing that my undergraduate career is over. O-V-E-R. It's nerve racking especially since I can't find a job and while the people that surround me on a daily basis (my co-workers for the most part) tell me "Oh, everyone is in your position. You'll find something, don't worry", all I want to do is scream. Ok, I get it, it's annoying listening to me whine and complain that out of the ten or so applications I sent out I heard back from one, a rejection none the less, but must they constantly tell me that? I mean honestly I've spent the past four years busting my ass to graduate, switched majors three times, studied abroad and on May 16th I sat for three and a half hours all for the one minute of walking on stage to shake some random persons hand, who I didn't even know existed until about two hours and forty minutes into the whole event for a piece of paper that wasn't even my diploma.

Okay, so here we have a recent graduate with no full-time job prospect who has just become aware that she will be paying not only her gas but car insurance, cell phone bill, gym membership, riding lessons, horse shows and to top it off! My health insurance is about to expire. So way to go Alex, you've completed another step in your education/life and now here's financial responsibility on a silver platter. That silver platter being my maybe $350 bi weekly pay check from my part time job. Yes.

Granted, many people I graduated were hired as soon as they graduated and I am ecstatic for them but just because I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do: Teach, editorial assistant, journalist, free thinker doesn't mean I don't have a plan...I did. Law School. And now that dream is shot down, turning into the five maybe ten year plan. It's all just a mess out there and the more applications I put out the further I run in the opposite direction. And that opposite directions is bringing me head first towards the Indonesia teaching position.