The post below is something that is very personal to me. I have been debating as I've been writing this whether or not to post it but it's written, so here it is.
I've never been self-conscious about my body or how I look until recently. I don't want to blame anyone for my feeling this way, it is my fault and it's in my head and I've created this insecurity on my own. I let what other people say affect me and it's turning into something more than what I bargained for. Dating and living with a personal trainer has definitely caused these insecurities to surface, of course they have to be there in the first place, but they've been appearing more and more.
People talk about their jobs, it's something that consumes most of our week but when the person you're closest to has a job that involves the human body, it opens a whole new jar. It's the little comments that while many women may find offensive, I try to keep reminding myself that it's his job, he looks and alters bodies for a living - but I'm now beginning to see how much it's been affecting me. I'm exhausted, I did a leg work out last night and about half way through my first set, I was shaking, shaking to the point where I was getting close to the feeling of passing out...but I kept going and finished 45 minutes later. I called my mom and she advised me to take a day off and most people may feel guilty for a few seconds and then get over it but I've been feeling guilty since I spoke with her last night. She's right, I do need a break, but I have that little voice that keeps telling me to keep going, that taking a day off will do so much damage. Most people have to force themselves to get up and go to the gym, I'm at the point where I need to force myself to not go to the gym.
Living with a personal trainer constantly has me wondering if I look okay, does he still want to be with me even if I'm not as fit as a few of his clients that are my age? It honestly makes me feel like I'm just not as fit or as thin as his clients, who out of about 10 clients - 2 are men. One of them in particular he talks about a lot since she's doing a fitness show and they do at least 3-4 work out sessions a week and a couple posing sessions. As humans, we are so quick to compare ourselves and judge others appearances (some of us try not to, but we slip up) so try having one of your boyfriend's clients be your age and all he can talk about is how great she looks. Or, my favorite, when he points out the areas that I carry "water weight" in, mostly my stomach and upper arms, in case you were wondering.
So out of all this, I am obsessed with going to the gym and the worst part is that I go at least 4-5 days a week and feel as though I haven't seen any improvements. I feel disgusting sometimes. If I eat a piece of bread or have a slice of pizza I feel so fat. I'm obsessed with my body image and it's totally freaking me out. I've NEVER been like this before and I think it's escalated since I moved in with my personal-trainer-boyfriend. I'm not to the point where I'm going to starve myself, but I constantly hate myself if I eat something that's not completely healthy.
The sadest thing is that when I met him (he asked me out after my last training session with him) if I was 20 pounds heavier, we wouldn't be together because his initial attraction his physical and if I was overweight, he'd just be nice to me. I think knowing that, I have this underlying fear that if I were to gain any weight to the point that he notices that he would just walk away. And I know I should just tell myself that if that happens then it wasn't meant to be, and I do believe that, it just upsets me that could be the reason why he would leave.
I want to say that he hasn't ever commented on my weight, it's more of telling me that "I really should go to the gym" or "this is why you don't see results" (as I'm about to eat a Pillsbury baked biscuit) or just in constantly talking about how dedicated his clients are and talking about other female members at the gym and how their bodies is changing. I have become obsessed with going to the gym and it's to the point now where I feel as though if I don't go and I just go home and relax one day, that I'm not working hard enough, or dedicated enough like his clients. People constantly tell me how the can see how much he loves, but when someone's job revolves around checking out other people's bodies (especially females), I just never feel like my physical appearance is good enough.
I hate feeling like this, I hate being obsessed with going to the gym and feeling as though if I take one day off that I loose everything and look like a whale.
I think I'm going to force myself to not go to the gym today. I have to.
STOP GOING NOW. This is bad for you. Really bad. I've had close friends with bulimia, and it's a REALLY slippery slope. Just stick it to the voice and slack off. It's not worth this.
ReplyDeleteAlso keep in mind that if he's someone worth keeping, you can talk about this with him. My girlfriend and I have been together for over four years because we can talk to each other.
One other thing - and this is why I'm anonymous - you're really attractive and I think you have the body type that would still be after 20 pounds.
Thank you so much for your comment, and especially your kind words, they really mean a lot (I also can't help but think that we must know eachother, but I respect your anonymity). I am also certainly working on "sticking it" to the little voice. :)
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